Found in a bath tub

What I find sad is that, at the end of the day, Whitney Houston's death has potential to outshine her talent.  Not possible, you say?  Just as Mama Cass is remembered for choking on her lunch (some say ham sandwich, others say a chicken leg), Jim Morrison oding in the bathtub, and Kurt Cobain committing suicide, Whitney will be reduced to being found with her head submerged under water, feet up, in a hotel bath tub the night before the Grammys, after mixing a deadly cocktail of prescription drugs and alcohol.  And cue music......Didn't we almost have it all?

Profound thought I had while wandering....

OH my, it's been awhile!

As I walked down the hall at work on the way to the loo or photocopy room (both equally exciting in their own way), I realized - Jesus was the original zombie.  Go figure.....

YAWN

Things I am currently tired of....

1. Celebrities who are famoused for .....what?

The Kardashians. Jon and Kate. Speidi. Lauren Conrad. The entire cast of Jersey Shore. Why do we insist on making these average people into celebrities? What have they done to warrant the money and/or attention? Why can't they all live on an island and cannibalise one another -or would that become a reality show?

2. Stars dying after long public battles with drugs

Corey Haim and Brittan Murphy are the two new members of a the OD club - a membership you don't live to see. Now we are all sadly waiting, watching to see if Lindsay makes this exclusive club whose membership includes Anna Nicole Smith, Michael Jackson, River Phoenix.

3. Cheating spouses

Tiger Woods and Jesse James have caused us to ask the golden question - why get married? What hurts more, perhaps, is that it is with multiple partners. If one stung, 14 must just leave you numb.

4. The "other" woman telling "her" side

Seriously, what do you hope to accomplish by telling us why you slept with a married man? A reality show? Photo spread? Your own porn flick? Seriously, if you are going to cheat, do it with a hooker who is paid to be discreet....otherwise, you'll be paying for it for the rest of your life.

A Tiger in bed

So Tiger Woods has been caught with his pants down as it was revealed to all the world that he cheated on his wife with a twenty-something cocktail waitress. Pardon me as I yawn through the cliches. Another idol/sports star/American icon engaging in the age-old tradition of an extra-marital affiar. Some are outraged, saying he has failed his fans. That he should loose his sponsors. That he is an embarrassment.

Um, get a life? I am not saying that what he did was okay - he screwed around on his wife. Whats quite sad, in my mind, is that he did it during her pregnancies (not one child but two)- so he had his cake and ate out too. Yea, its disappointing when you see someone who has it all, and seems like he deserves it, basically shit it away with poor choices; however, should he now be vilified?

When I was growing up, I adored Jimmy Steward (which is a bit odd on its own, I know); and my mom used to give me grief because he was a fighter pilot in WWII and supported the bombing of Hiroshima. Or she would tell me how the cardigan-wearing crooner Bing Crosby used to beat his kids. I remember telling my mom that what I appreciated and admired about Jimmy and Bing wasn't the person but their unique talent. Were they douche bags? Maybe, I don't know; however, were they talented? Without question.

So Tiger cheated on his wife. Repeatedly. Should I care? Should I question his character and make a judgement? Or should I spend some time thinking about how many soldiers have died in Afghanastan and leaving the judging to Elin? I think you have your answer.

Mantrums and tears

Jon Glosselin's twenty-two year old girlfriend told The Insider that daddy dearest Jon is fond of mantrums, that he likes to take his anger and frustrations out on her.....oh, what a keeper! She is quoted as as saying, I don't want to leave him all alone," she says. "At the end of the day, I love him but I dislike him at times. When I love someone I would never hurt them." Okay, think about what you just said, sweetie. When you love someone I would never hurt them - so why be with someone who hurts you? Ah, to be twenty-two again and have your whole life ahead of you, dating a selfish man-boy - I am jealous!

I then read that Corey Feldman is reeling after his wife of seven years filed for divorce. He released the following statement to the press: "Corey is deeply hurt and saddened by this unexpected change in their relationship, and has done nothing to contribute to the demise of the marriage." Okay, thats a weird statement, its as if he is professing his innocence as everyone will assume that the 80s child star, former BFF of Michael Jackson and Corey Haim, would be the root of the problem. Granted, I didn't give the poor boy much credit considering his drug-ridden past -but a cat can change its stripes. Maybe its that they met while he was "starring" on The Surreal Life" at a club that made me think it wouldn't work. Maybe it was when they had MC Hammer officiate the ceremony - how can anyone take that seriously? Maybe it was when the two Coreys starred in their own reality show - gawd, that would put a strain on anyone's marriage. It is sad when love doesn't triumph-and I mean that sincerely.

Perhaps Corey and Jon can become roommates - that's my answer to manturms and tears, because misery does love company. Oh, and then they could make a reality show too, cuz you gotta keep the income coming in.....child support and all.

Classic example of bad parenting

Dear Dad

What were you thinking? How did performing a circumcision on your defenceless four year old son with a razor and no freezing agent seem like a good idea? Of all the things to get in your crazy head - this is it? So, after a series of misfortunes, you decide that the only way to make things right with God is to circumcise you and your son -really? Was there no fattened calf to offer at the alter?

What I don't get is how, after botching your own (penis turned black, only able to cut half of the foreskin off, can't stop bleeding) you decide to still circumcise your son. I loved that you researched this on the Internet, read the bible and listened to the radio to learn how to perform this surgery. And it was very considerate of you to ask your 4 year old if you could perform this procedure as we all know how rational children are at that age, especially when you promise ice cream and being allowed to watch any movie the child desires for a week. Hell, I'd say yes!

And your defence is religious freedom. Here is my thought: go ahead and do what you want to your body. Feel free to cut off whatever piece you think God may want -slice away! However, hands off your son. I am wondering where mom was during all this because I have to say that if this happened in my house....yea, it wouldn't have. Said man would have been kicked to the curb with his trusty bible way before we would have gotten to the planning stage.

In the future, if in doubt, ask yourself: What would Jesus do? Because I have to say, I don't think he would have done that....I really don't.

Family - gotta love them

If I was Billy Baldwin, I would be a bit pissed at my sister-in-law, Mackenzie, for sharing her deep dark secret on national television with tv-guru Oprah because it thrusts everyone into the spotlight, and causes tongues to wag in unwanted directions . What does one gain by coming foward with the news that she had a 10-year consensual sexual relationship with her father (also known as incest); and how does this effect the other siblings? If you are her sister, you have to make it crystal clear that this had nothing to do with you and either support her claims or adamently deny them. Then this can add more fuel to the media machine....perfect! Does anyone have a book coming out? Why yes! An album? Perhaps? How about some acting gigs? Ga-ching! As you tab the tears with kleenex in one hand, make sure to hold up your new book with the other!

Did it happen? I don't know - I wasn't there. What does concern me is that the other person involved is this deep dark secret died 8 years ago; and, as we all know, dead men don't tell tales. All I do know is that holidays just got a whole lot more complicated for the Baldwins.....

Oh the inane questions we ask.....

I was ready to write about the Emmys when my blog topic got hijacked while watching Entertainment Tonight. Yes, ET, that tired tabloid show that once really was the place to tap into on all that is hot and happening. Now? Its the place to be if you want to see what CBS is trying to flog as the hot show of the moment and seeing the scary Mary Hart as she never ages (never).

What changed my direction was when perky Mary asked an actor and his long-term girlfriend of 12 years, "So, are you ever going to get married?" I was impressed by his acting abilities as the guy just smiled and gave some stock answer about feeling more committed than most married couples. Nicely done! Very PC - I probably would have asked her how dead her forehead really felt with all that Botox....

Mary's douchebag move made me realize that society at large loves to ask these questions.

For exampler:

If you're single - So, are you seeing anyone?

If you're dating - So, are you going to move in together and/or get married?

If you're living together - So, do you think you'll get married?

If you've been together too long (usually 2 years) - So, do you think you'll ever get married? (this is clearly asked in a way that you obviously know the answer is no)

If you're married - So, when are you going to have kids?

If you're married and no children are produced after 5 years - So, do you think you'll ever have children? (this is typically asked with great concern as it shows a great defect if healthy heterosexual couples are not rapidly producing)

If you are pregnant - So, will you find out the sex? Breastfeed? Clothe or disposal? The questions go on and on and on.....

If you have one child - So, do you want to have another child? Are you going to have another child? When are you having this other child?

Interesting that we don't ask the burning questions we really want to know.

Such as - if you do not seem to show interest in the opposite sex - So, are you gay?

If you seem unhappy in your marriage- S0, are you going to get a divorce?

If you are quite ill and near death- So, are you going to die? If so, can I have your car?

The last question is really stupid, right? Who would say that? Its so crass. Exactly. Just like the other questions, really. You don't know why certain things haven't happened yet - so does it help to ask? I know we are naturally curious; however, don't be a Mary.....

Something I was thinking about today

Its interesting how some themes in children books tend to be popular - orphans, for example. Harry Potter series, The Secret Garden, The Little Princess, Anne of Green Gables. Perhaps its the underdog theme, or the mystery of having no parents - it tends to be a recipe that works.

Another beloved theme, especially in younger children stories, is the wild child - rambunctious, marching to one's own beat, a bit of a hellion: Max from Where the Wild Things Are, precocious Elosie in her many adventures, Olivia the pig, Ramona, the bratty sister, so well written by Beverly Cleary (one of my favourite), Huck Finn, Skippyjon Jones - the list goes on.

So here's my thought - why do we love this character so much in fiction but not in real life? We love that Max runs around in his wolf costume, creating mayhem and threatening to stab the dog (okay, maybe not that part); however, we constantly ride children to behave, settle down, be quiet, be the same. The noisy energetic child who can't sit still needs to learn to behave, to follow the rules, as it would be easier for everyone. You don't want to get stuck with this kid in your child's class as he can't behave. Ideally, you would want a class of quiet well-behaved children, right?

So, I have a Max. A Skippyjon Jones. I have a son who has his own ideas. He is noisy. He is messy. He is energy personified. And he is all mine. I know that there will be times that I will feel embarrassed when he has done something in public; however, there will be times that he will feel embarrassed when I have done something in public - its a given. I have always love the rambunctious, tenacious character in fiction - and I love this character in real life as well. We need the Maxs, the Olivias, and the Huck Finns -if only to balance out the vanilla pudding and oatmeal folks (who no one tends to write about).

Women face trial for glued penis tryst

Yup, some low-down cheating husband got busted big time by his wife and THREE of his girlfriends (found on Craiglist) - and the results weren't pretty. Lured to the motel room, the man was tied up, stripped down, and his penis Krazy Glue to his stomach; however, the article does not tell you how said-glued penis was unglued. Not to be too graphic - but was there permanent damage? Did it take off a layer of skin? Was it like a Band-Aid -just be quick and rip it off?

What I really loved is that the alleged victim gave his testimony in an orange jailhouse jumpsuit as he was in custody on unrelated charges of child abuse, theft and harassment. What a gem! What's that saying? Eye for an eye, dick for a dick? The women face a maximum penalty of 6 years for felony false imprisonment.....I think they have learned their lesson, officer; however, has he? One would hope as I hear Lorraine Bobbit is still out there, looking for love....

How not to be a douche

Dear Jon

Just some friendly advice from a woman - don't go on national television and announce that you love your 22 year-old girlfriend of 5 minutes more than you ever did your ex wife. Yea, yea - we all know that Kate rode you like a bronco pony; however, you are not winning any points with such declarations. Also keep in mind that your children may have access to this information and how will this effect them? Right now, they are probably still comprehending that mommy and daddy don't live together anymore - do they need to know that daddy despises mommy and he loves Hailey more? I am so pleased that you decided to grow a set - just pace yourself as no one loves a douche bag. It didn't work for Tom Cruise ala post-Nicole Kidman - and he was Maverick.

Cheers!
A non-fan

My weakness.....

I used to be Us Weekly obsessed. I would eagerly wait my fix of celebrity gossip and mind-numbing articles, drinking in the tasty tidbits of information: Guess the Baby Bump! Is Brad Cheating? Lindsay's Crazy Birthday Bash! And then my obsession faded. I think it was when I saw the pictures of Reese Witherspoon trying to shield her children from the paparazzi, and I realized that by buying the magazine I was supporting this behavior - the stalking of celebrities as prey. (I also realized that $5 a week was a bit of an expensive habit when I could feed for free on Perez Hilton and TMZ; however, I thought the ethical piece sounded better)

One habit I have yet to break is the guilty pleasure of buying the latest copy of Us when I go on holidays. So what did I learn this issue?

1. Tattoos are getting passe- smokin' hot girl, great dress, fantastic shoes.....crap-tacular tattoo on top of foot - some sand script piece. Wrecked the entire look.

2. Melanie Trump, Don's much younger wife who is 39 years old (I had to look this up on her own website - now that's scary!) is looking very pinched and pulled-back in the face. WTF? I am 36.....am I going to have to start looking into get some "work" done soon? Damn it, that 20 year reunion is looming......

3. What makes a celebrity a celebrity? There was a full page on a jilted Bachelor contestant finding true love, after the fact, with some on-again off-again beau. And now they're engaged! the article included some sneak peeks of their registry - including some fugly wall art from Crackle Barrel for $40.

4. A very unflattering picture of Katherine Heigl (left side) that accompanied an article about stars who quit smoking. Seems like the message is more like don't quit.

5. "Octomom lost 115 pounds" - yea, she had 8 babies to start. The weight was also estimated by some random doctor who has never met said Octomom - that's journalism. And Octomom has a rep...of course she does.

6. Jon Gosselin looking like an aged past-prime divorced man hanging pool-side with young bikini-clad girls - it looks like a bad edition of MTV's Spring Break.

7. Poor K-Fed. Very unflattering picture of him at the pool with his kids. I would estimate that K-Fed has gained maybe 60 pounds since his break-up with Brit Brit. Of course, the article includes a very flattering 2006 photo when K was slim, trim and somewhat attractive (not my idea of gorgeous). Its nice to know that men also get the full meal deal treatment when it comes to obvious weight gain - I will now wait for the manorexic article.

8. Aubrey Day (who?) with her poor dyed pooch - okay, that's just wrong. Aubrey wants us all to know that, "its natural and she doesn't mind!" Hmmmmmmmm, that's so sweet that you talk to your dog and she told you! I will not even Google to find out who she is......as I just don't care.

Hmmmmmm, until the next holiday break......

Enough is enough.....

I just read that the Duggars have pleased as punch to let us all know that they are going to have their 19th baby! What.The.Fuck. I apologize for dropping the "f" bomb, but seriously - how irresponsible. In a time where there is concern about the world population growing beyond the sustainability of the planet, the Duggars are breeding like rabbits on speed.

What annoys me more is that this family is being rewarded for their breeding skills by having a reality show, TLC's 18 and Counting, a name that changes with each pregnancy bulge. What concerns me is that some screwball is going to get it in her head that to achieve fame, financial security, and a fan-base, she should be artificially inseminated and have 8 children on top of her 6....oh wait - that's Octomom, who is currently starring in her own reality show -check your local listings!

I do not doubt that Jim Bob and Michelle love each other very much, and their 18 (soon-to-be 19) children. I do wonder, though, how well they really get to know and enjoy their brood individually? I remember, with embarrassment, watching a special about the Duggars before they landed their regular show; and in the special, Michelle explained how each little Duggar was matched up to an bigger Duggar, who helped care for them. Wait a minute.....because mom and dad don't know when to stop, the older siblings have to be pseudo-parents? Even the Waltons knew when enough was enough at eight- and yes, I know they were a fictional family.

I know that the Duggars love to name their babies with names starting with "J"s; however, they should have gone for a bigger challenge and named the children in the orders of the ABCs as they would be limited to 26. They are now on T.

Common sense dictates....

Um, if you're a celebrity....don't make a sex tape. Really. Cause it never remains in your possession to watch quietly when you're bored. I am not sure why you would want to watch yourself having sex..... although they say that you have to be a total narcissistic (refers to the personality trait of self-love) to be an actor, so it would then make sense. Or perhaps its to study your technique....

Some great tapes have been leaked: Tommy Lee and Pam, Kim Kardashian, and Paris "Flash" Hilton. People are first shocked - this could mean the down fall! What shame! What disgust! What a position! Are those real? A deal is cut and money is made. Someone shows up on Letterman and a reality show and/or star is born. I am waiting for Heidi and Spencer of "The Hills" to announce their tape as been stolen.....for a cool 5 million. With royalties.

Why I am blogging this is because McSteamy, his wife and a former Miss United States Teen made a tape; and now its leaked. A disgruntled roommate of the beauty queen is the accused culprit (the two meet on "Celebrity Rehab"-right there, how did that seem like a good choice?). What I love is that the tape is being dubbed "McBoring" as its twelve minutes of naked people talking, taking a bath.....just random, pointless. How sad that your sex tape, a three-some even, is deemed mediocre. Wow.

So, what have we learned? Don't tape yourself having sex as it inevitably will get out there. However, if you must - go for the gold and make it raunchy as it could launch your career (again). I wonder if Lindsay Lohan has a tape yet?

In a past life

Once upon a time, in another life, I was a tobacconist. Or is it Tobacconist? A purveyor of all things tobacco: cigarettes, cigars, pipe tobacco, snuff, chew, cigarillos - if it was made of the leaves of the plant in the genus Nicotiana, I sold it (how I got this job, that's another tale to tell).

Of all my jobs, I think I enjoyed this one the most. Partially because it an old establishment (1892, same location, steeped in history), partially because I and the staff were left alone to our own devices (for the most part), and partially because I was a young woman in my 20s managing, for the most part, a mens' shop. I was constantly challenge to prove myself - what did a little girl know about cigars? How could I possible know what made a good pipe versus a bad one? I knew because I was gifted in the art of bullshit AND I did sample some of wares - honesty.

I can tell you what menthol snuff is like -peppery yet cool as it blasts your nostrils. Herbal cigarettes, for the most part, are pretty foul; however, I do like the mandarin orange-flavoured Bidis. Clove cigarettes do numb your lips- hate the smell. Favourite pipe tobacco was a house blend - a delicious combination of 3 tobaccos: Saratoga, Zulu and Papeete - equal portion of each. The trick to smoking a Cuban cigar is to have something to eat first, drink while you're smoking to clean the palette, and don't inhale (unless you're hardcore). My favourite cigar is a Fuente Opus X, not a Cuban. Cigarillos were fun - I preferred the girly ones that were flavoured and dipped in things. Sad but true

I loved being able to speak with authority as I mesmerized middle-aged American men who scoffed at being served by a girl - and on more than one occasion, they asked for the manager to serve them, only to discover it was me. Nothing gave me greater pleasure then to sell a box of Cohiba Esplendidos ($52 a piece times 25) to such customers. I also enjoyed dashing dreams when someone would swagger in, fresh from a visit from Cuba with a box of such cigars, bragging how they only cost $125 for the whole box. I would pause, pretending to take my time as I searched for evidence that they were fakes, knowing all along that they were. I would then slowly explain, as if to a child, how I knew the cigars were not the real deal. Me, a silly girl.....not so silly after all.

The irony - I am not a smoker. Never was really. I tried when I was in junior high and high school, but it never really took (I say, almost apologetically). I actually find smoking to be rather disgusting; however, I sold it day in and day out for almost 8 years - very successfully, I might add. If I knew how to drive, I would make a fabulous car salesman.....person. Kind of like a drug dealer - which I was accused of being, more than once. But that was another life ago.....

Poetry break

I saw you
leaning against the wall
and I thought
I would like to talk to you
about nothing
and everything
I would lean
with you
across from you
and talk
watching your eyes
your lips
looking for a response
so that slowly
without hesitation
I would lean
into you
and kiss your lips
capture the moment
and know
that you saw me
and I was real

Headline that caught my eye.....

"Butt tattoo tips off girlfriend she's sleeping with twin brother"

While scanning the headlines on a national newspaper (no, it wasn't FoxNews.com), I came across this little gem. With a headline like that, I had to click and see.....

A woman discovered, while having sex, that her boyfriend was really his twin brother .....as the man she was with was missing a cowboy tattoo on his left buttock.

So it was the tattoo that tipped her off.....interesting.

Whose going to tell mom about this?

Celebrities uncovered

I have great sympathy for the spouses of celebrities who have affairs. They typically come off as deer-in-the-headlight innocent as their live implode for all to see/criticize.

For example, LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian met on some shit-0-lishes made-for-cable movie and began a not-so-secret affair, as recorded on TMZ.com. They deny it left-right-and-centre, not explaining the images of LeAnn entering a hotel room in her home town during the day for two hours....(meditation, perhaps?). Their spouses stand beside them, declaring their love, asking the media to respect their privacy.....and then the truth hits the fan and splatters.

The sad thing is, its frightfully unoriginal. Tori and Dean did pretty much the same thing; and they have gone onto starring in reality shows about their delightful lives. Isn't it sweet? Awwwwwww! I just love that they can whip out the crappy DVD and show the kiddies how mommy and daddy met; although, that would not be so much fun for Dean's son from his first marriage....that could be a piece for therapy.

Jennifer and Marc did it.

Brad and Angelina (for the record, I was neither Team Jen or Team Angelian....I was Team Brad).

Here's what I would like to say - if you're screwing around, come out and be honest. Don't let your poor spouse make public statements about your stable relationship, how much he/she loves you, only to look like a cuckold idiot when you decide to pull the chord and unveil the "truth". Nothing is sexier than to begin a relationship with open and honesty, not as a dirty little secret meeting in hotel rooms that charge by the hour....unless you're into that. If that's the case, then I've got nothing to say except don't bother with the oversize base cap and sunglasses as a disguise - it never works. Perhaps a burka?

I get it - we cannot help what the heart (and other body parts) want....but come clean and make the break before it is played out for all to see - at least have the decency to do that.

Regrets

What I realize, as I get older and, dare I say, wiser, is that it is useless to wonder and ponder the "what ifs?". To have regrets. One can go insane wondering what would of happened if something had been done differently, said instead. Sometimes, you just have to look to your left to realize that things are exactly the way they should be....with no regrets.

When reality walks by....

I was in a car, waiting for the light to change, when I noticed a man by the side of the street. He was dressed in a sweater that was too large, one sleeve was dangling as I am not sure where his arm was. He was probably in his late 40s, early 50s, a little out-of-it, as he crossed the street; and that's when I noticed the unmistakable dark stain that ran down the back of his khaki -coloured pants. Dude, I thought.....is this what becomes of us?

And then I realized that I knew this man....it was Wally, an old customer of from the cigar shop I slung tobacco in a life-time ago. Wally was a little off his rocker -I was never sure what it was - depression? Manic? Schizophrenia? I never asked as I didn't want to break the boundaries I had set with customers. For example, I was the Queen of Small Talk; however, I rarely got into my personal life - yes, I was married and eventually had a child; however, surface details were good enough. Just as I would know names and a bit about customers; however, I rarely saw them outside of the shop as I had no desire to socialize with them. Boundaries - they are there for a reason.

Wally came from the East, and was once a doorman for a hotel, I believe. Wally had great days - he would show up freshly shaved and wanting something tasty and pricing as he had some money (typically around the end of the month, Welfare Wednesdays). Then there were the days when we wouldn't see Wally for a while (he could be quite regular - even twice a day); and when we would wee him, Wally was looking quite rough. Hair every where, clothes disheveled, caked dirt under the nails. Wally would then dump a hand-full of coin on the counter to see if he had enough for the cheapest cigarillo. And there were times when Wally didn't even have that, so we would "float" him and run a small tab, knowing that Wally would settle up eventually. When you manage a place, you are able to make these "rules", as crazy as they may seem; however, being able to get a .95 cigarillo, knowing that people would let you have it on the honor system when you have nothing else- I imagine that can be pretty empowering.

When I saw Wally walking by with his urine-soaked pants, I wondered what happened to him to get to that point. What crack had he finally fallen through? I just remembered how, for brief moments, we would treat him as an equal; and then I wondered, how often does that happen for him now?