Friday, August 28, 2009

Common sense dictates....

Um, if you're a celebrity....don't make a sex tape. Really. Cause it never remains in your possession to watch quietly when you're bored. I am not sure why you would want to watch yourself having sex..... although they say that you have to be a total narcissistic (refers to the personality trait of self-love) to be an actor, so it would then make sense. Or perhaps its to study your technique....

Some great tapes have been leaked: Tommy Lee and Pam, Kim Kardashian, and Paris "Flash" Hilton. People are first shocked - this could mean the down fall! What shame! What disgust! What a position! Are those real? A deal is cut and money is made. Someone shows up on Letterman and a reality show and/or star is born. I am waiting for Heidi and Spencer of "The Hills" to announce their tape as been stolen.....for a cool 5 million. With royalties.

Why I am blogging this is because McSteamy, his wife and a former Miss United States Teen made a tape; and now its leaked. A disgruntled roommate of the beauty queen is the accused culprit (the two meet on "Celebrity Rehab"-right there, how did that seem like a good choice?). What I love is that the tape is being dubbed "McBoring" as its twelve minutes of naked people talking, taking a bath.....just random, pointless. How sad that your sex tape, a three-some even, is deemed mediocre. Wow.

So, what have we learned? Don't tape yourself having sex as it inevitably will get out there. However, if you must - go for the gold and make it raunchy as it could launch your career (again). I wonder if Lindsay Lohan has a tape yet?

Thursday, August 27, 2009

In a past life

Once upon a time, in another life, I was a tobacconist. Or is it Tobacconist? A purveyor of all things tobacco: cigarettes, cigars, pipe tobacco, snuff, chew, cigarillos - if it was made of the leaves of the plant in the genus Nicotiana, I sold it (how I got this job, that's another tale to tell).

Of all my jobs, I think I enjoyed this one the most. Partially because it an old establishment (1892, same location, steeped in history), partially because I and the staff were left alone to our own devices (for the most part), and partially because I was a young woman in my 20s managing, for the most part, a mens' shop. I was constantly challenge to prove myself - what did a little girl know about cigars? How could I possible know what made a good pipe versus a bad one? I knew because I was gifted in the art of bullshit AND I did sample some of wares - honesty.

I can tell you what menthol snuff is like -peppery yet cool as it blasts your nostrils. Herbal cigarettes, for the most part, are pretty foul; however, I do like the mandarin orange-flavoured Bidis. Clove cigarettes do numb your lips- hate the smell. Favourite pipe tobacco was a house blend - a delicious combination of 3 tobaccos: Saratoga, Zulu and Papeete - equal portion of each. The trick to smoking a Cuban cigar is to have something to eat first, drink while you're smoking to clean the palette, and don't inhale (unless you're hardcore). My favourite cigar is a Fuente Opus X, not a Cuban. Cigarillos were fun - I preferred the girly ones that were flavoured and dipped in things. Sad but true

I loved being able to speak with authority as I mesmerized middle-aged American men who scoffed at being served by a girl - and on more than one occasion, they asked for the manager to serve them, only to discover it was me. Nothing gave me greater pleasure then to sell a box of Cohiba Esplendidos ($52 a piece times 25) to such customers. I also enjoyed dashing dreams when someone would swagger in, fresh from a visit from Cuba with a box of such cigars, bragging how they only cost $125 for the whole box. I would pause, pretending to take my time as I searched for evidence that they were fakes, knowing all along that they were. I would then slowly explain, as if to a child, how I knew the cigars were not the real deal. Me, a silly girl.....not so silly after all.

The irony - I am not a smoker. Never was really. I tried when I was in junior high and high school, but it never really took (I say, almost apologetically). I actually find smoking to be rather disgusting; however, I sold it day in and day out for almost 8 years - very successfully, I might add. If I knew how to drive, I would make a fabulous car salesman.....person. Kind of like a drug dealer - which I was accused of being, more than once. But that was another life ago.....

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Poetry break

I saw you
leaning against the wall
and I thought
I would like to talk to you
about nothing
and everything
I would lean
with you
across from you
and talk
watching your eyes
your lips
looking for a response
so that slowly
without hesitation
I would lean
into you
and kiss your lips
capture the moment
and know
that you saw me
and I was real

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Headline that caught my eye.....

"Butt tattoo tips off girlfriend she's sleeping with twin brother"

While scanning the headlines on a national newspaper (no, it wasn't, I came across this little gem. With a headline like that, I had to click and see.....

A woman discovered, while having sex, that her boyfriend was really his twin brother the man she was with was missing a cowboy tattoo on his left buttock.

So it was the tattoo that tipped her off.....interesting.

Whose going to tell mom about this?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Celebrities uncovered

I have great sympathy for the spouses of celebrities who have affairs. They typically come off as deer-in-the-headlight innocent as their live implode for all to see/criticize.

For example, LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian met on some shit-0-lishes made-for-cable movie and began a not-so-secret affair, as recorded on They deny it left-right-and-centre, not explaining the images of LeAnn entering a hotel room in her home town during the day for two hours....(meditation, perhaps?). Their spouses stand beside them, declaring their love, asking the media to respect their privacy.....and then the truth hits the fan and splatters.

The sad thing is, its frightfully unoriginal. Tori and Dean did pretty much the same thing; and they have gone onto starring in reality shows about their delightful lives. Isn't it sweet? Awwwwwww! I just love that they can whip out the crappy DVD and show the kiddies how mommy and daddy met; although, that would not be so much fun for Dean's son from his first marriage....that could be a piece for therapy.

Jennifer and Marc did it.

Brad and Angelina (for the record, I was neither Team Jen or Team Angelian....I was Team Brad).

Here's what I would like to say - if you're screwing around, come out and be honest. Don't let your poor spouse make public statements about your stable relationship, how much he/she loves you, only to look like a cuckold idiot when you decide to pull the chord and unveil the "truth". Nothing is sexier than to begin a relationship with open and honesty, not as a dirty little secret meeting in hotel rooms that charge by the hour....unless you're into that. If that's the case, then I've got nothing to say except don't bother with the oversize base cap and sunglasses as a disguise - it never works. Perhaps a burka?

I get it - we cannot help what the heart (and other body parts) want....but come clean and make the break before it is played out for all to see - at least have the decency to do that.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


What I realize, as I get older and, dare I say, wiser, is that it is useless to wonder and ponder the "what ifs?". To have regrets. One can go insane wondering what would of happened if something had been done differently, said instead. Sometimes, you just have to look to your left to realize that things are exactly the way they should be....with no regrets.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

When reality walks by....

I was in a car, waiting for the light to change, when I noticed a man by the side of the street. He was dressed in a sweater that was too large, one sleeve was dangling as I am not sure where his arm was. He was probably in his late 40s, early 50s, a little out-of-it, as he crossed the street; and that's when I noticed the unmistakable dark stain that ran down the back of his khaki -coloured pants. Dude, I this what becomes of us?

And then I realized that I knew this was Wally, an old customer of from the cigar shop I slung tobacco in a life-time ago. Wally was a little off his rocker -I was never sure what it was - depression? Manic? Schizophrenia? I never asked as I didn't want to break the boundaries I had set with customers. For example, I was the Queen of Small Talk; however, I rarely got into my personal life - yes, I was married and eventually had a child; however, surface details were good enough. Just as I would know names and a bit about customers; however, I rarely saw them outside of the shop as I had no desire to socialize with them. Boundaries - they are there for a reason.

Wally came from the East, and was once a doorman for a hotel, I believe. Wally had great days - he would show up freshly shaved and wanting something tasty and pricing as he had some money (typically around the end of the month, Welfare Wednesdays). Then there were the days when we wouldn't see Wally for a while (he could be quite regular - even twice a day); and when we would wee him, Wally was looking quite rough. Hair every where, clothes disheveled, caked dirt under the nails. Wally would then dump a hand-full of coin on the counter to see if he had enough for the cheapest cigarillo. And there were times when Wally didn't even have that, so we would "float" him and run a small tab, knowing that Wally would settle up eventually. When you manage a place, you are able to make these "rules", as crazy as they may seem; however, being able to get a .95 cigarillo, knowing that people would let you have it on the honor system when you have nothing else- I imagine that can be pretty empowering.

When I saw Wally walking by with his urine-soaked pants, I wondered what happened to him to get to that point. What crack had he finally fallen through? I just remembered how, for brief moments, we would treat him as an equal; and then I wondered, how often does that happen for him now?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Why I am glad I am not a celebrity

I cannot imagine having a public fight with my mother, let alone fighting to the point that we are no longer talking to each other and have resorted to mud-slinging. So I don't get Candy and Tori Spelling's latest feud as they use the various media resources to get their "side" of the story out. Candy is a real piece of work as she writes open letters to, a site that offers the inside look at the latest celebrity scandal....she sooooo knows what shes doing. Her latest is to accuse her daughter and son-in-law of using their two small children as props. I really liked that she wrote the letter to "MIDDLE-AGED REALITY SHOW STARS (LIKE MY DAUGHTER)" - ouch! Um, Tori is only that middle-age?

Tori is no saint -she has skewered her mother is 2 books and one television series (No-Tori-ous - which had Loni Anderson playing a caricature of her was definitely like watching therapy); however, to take out public letters in tabloids ....that is screaming messed up.

All the money in the world could not bring these two women back together....which is sad as the children are the real losers in this war. The fact that they may never see Grandma's gift wrapping room is a crying shame. I am just glad Aaron isn't here to see his family play out like a bad episode of Beverly Hills 90210, when Donna blew up at her mom over her love for the ne'er-do-well David......

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Favourite John Hughes films

Top 10 favourite John Hughes films

10. The Great Outdoors (1988) - writer/producer

I cannot explain why I watch this movie over and over again. I think its the duo of John Candy and Dan Akyrody, the quirky music, the creepy red-haired twins, and the bear....I think.

9. Vacation (1983) writer

I was 10 when I saw this film - WAY too young for much of the content; however, I loved the humor - the dysfunctional relatives. Chevy chasing Christie Brinkey. The music. I may not have gotten all of it - but I got enough to know it was pretty funny.

8. Christmas Vacation (1989) writer/producer

I always get dragged into this movie when CBC shows it. Maybe its Randy Quid in the limp boxers. Maybe its Chevy trying to plan the perfect Christmas that goes so horribly wrong - too many lights on the house, the annoying relatives, the squirrel in the tree - its a Christmas classic.

7. Weird Science
(1985) director

It was weird. It was juvenile. It didn't have any really big star except a post-Breakfast Club Anthony Michael Hal and a young undiscovered Bill Paxton. That said, there was something very enjoyable about two hapless boys creating the ultimate woman who then turns their lives around with chaos. Kelly LeBrock was kicked some major ass - then she married Steven Seagal.....

6. Home Alone (1990) writer/producer

I am a sucker for this movie. I love the moment when Kevin wakes up and believes he has made his entire family disappear after a disastrous night before in which he was unfairly blamed and sent to bed without supper. And I love the moment when Kevin hears his mother's voice and he is so relieved to know he is not alone after all.

5. Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) writer/producer

Eric Stoltz was positively dreamy as the sensitive artistic senior who wants Amanda Jones (Lea Thompson) to notice him; however, Watts, his loyal tomboy best friends, pines for him as she pounds away on her drum set. This was the last great Hughes romance - not the strongest; however, I can re-play the last scene over and over and over again.....

4. Uncle Buck (1989) writer/producer/director

I wanted an Uncle Buck - big, goofy, but there when you needed him. The kids (Gaby Hoffman and a pre-Home Alone Macauley Caulkin) were ridiculously cute to boot.

3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) writer/producer/director

Matthew Broderick will forever be Ferris - the boy you wanted to skip school with. The parade scene brought the Beatles to a whole new generation with "Twist and Shout"; and who could forget Ben Stein's monotone reciting, "Bueller. Bueller. Bueller"

2. Sixteen Candles (1984) writer/director
I watched this film about a dozen times one summer (it was the movie to rent the summer I was going into grade 10) and wanted to be Sam because, even with all her trials and tribulations (who could forget the infamous underwear scene), Jake Ryan still showed up at her sister's wedding to whisk her away for birthday cake and a kiss. Sam, awkward, a sophomore, was chosen by Jake, the hot senior who was dating the most popular (if, be it, bitchy) girl in the school. Against all odds, Sam got her cake and ate it too.....something we all deserve.

1. Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987) writer/producer/director

Steve Martin and John Candy in the ultimate anti-buddy film. Who can forget the guys sharing a bed together, cuddling. Or driving down the wrong side of the road with the car on fire. Or Steve freaking out at Edie McClurg. Or the bittersweet moment when Steve realizes why John was traveling salesman....

Sunday, August 9, 2009

A lesson learnt

I cannot walk in your shoes
I cannot climb in your head
Its not for me to judge you
I cannot say anything
that you have already
said to yourself.
Instead I will listen
and let you talk
about anything
And that's enough