Thursday, December 3, 2009

A Tiger in bed

So Tiger Woods has been caught with his pants down as it was revealed to all the world that he cheated on his wife with a twenty-something cocktail waitress. Pardon me as I yawn through the cliches. Another idol/sports star/American icon engaging in the age-old tradition of an extra-marital affiar. Some are outraged, saying he has failed his fans. That he should loose his sponsors. That he is an embarrassment.

Um, get a life? I am not saying that what he did was okay - he screwed around on his wife. Whats quite sad, in my mind, is that he did it during her pregnancies (not one child but two)- so he had his cake and ate out too. Yea, its disappointing when you see someone who has it all, and seems like he deserves it, basically shit it away with poor choices; however, should he now be vilified?

When I was growing up, I adored Jimmy Steward (which is a bit odd on its own, I know); and my mom used to give me grief because he was a fighter pilot in WWII and supported the bombing of Hiroshima. Or she would tell me how the cardigan-wearing crooner Bing Crosby used to beat his kids. I remember telling my mom that what I appreciated and admired about Jimmy and Bing wasn't the person but their unique talent. Were they douche bags? Maybe, I don't know; however, were they talented? Without question.

So Tiger cheated on his wife. Repeatedly. Should I care? Should I question his character and make a judgement? Or should I spend some time thinking about how many soldiers have died in Afghanastan and leaving the judging to Elin? I think you have your answer.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Mantrums and tears

Jon Glosselin's twenty-two year old girlfriend told The Insider that daddy dearest Jon is fond of mantrums, that he likes to take his anger and frustrations out on her.....oh, what a keeper! She is quoted as as saying, I don't want to leave him all alone," she says. "At the end of the day, I love him but I dislike him at times. When I love someone I would never hurt them." Okay, think about what you just said, sweetie. When you love someone I would never hurt them - so why be with someone who hurts you? Ah, to be twenty-two again and have your whole life ahead of you, dating a selfish man-boy - I am jealous!

I then read that Corey Feldman is reeling after his wife of seven years filed for divorce. He released the following statement to the press: "Corey is deeply hurt and saddened by this unexpected change in their relationship, and has done nothing to contribute to the demise of the marriage." Okay, thats a weird statement, its as if he is professing his innocence as everyone will assume that the 80s child star, former BFF of Michael Jackson and Corey Haim, would be the root of the problem. Granted, I didn't give the poor boy much credit considering his drug-ridden past -but a cat can change its stripes. Maybe its that they met while he was "starring" on The Surreal Life" at a club that made me think it wouldn't work. Maybe it was when they had MC Hammer officiate the ceremony - how can anyone take that seriously? Maybe it was when the two Coreys starred in their own reality show - gawd, that would put a strain on anyone's marriage. It is sad when love doesn't triumph-and I mean that sincerely.

Perhaps Corey and Jon can become roommates - that's my answer to manturms and tears, because misery does love company. Oh, and then they could make a reality show too, cuz you gotta keep the income coming in.....child support and all.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Classic example of bad parenting

Dear Dad

What were you thinking? How did performing a circumcision on your defenceless four year old son with a razor and no freezing agent seem like a good idea? Of all the things to get in your crazy head - this is it? So, after a series of misfortunes, you decide that the only way to make things right with God is to circumcise you and your son -really? Was there no fattened calf to offer at the alter?

What I don't get is how, after botching your own (penis turned black, only able to cut half of the foreskin off, can't stop bleeding) you decide to still circumcise your son. I loved that you researched this on the Internet, read the bible and listened to the radio to learn how to perform this surgery. And it was very considerate of you to ask your 4 year old if you could perform this procedure as we all know how rational children are at that age, especially when you promise ice cream and being allowed to watch any movie the child desires for a week. Hell, I'd say yes!

And your defence is religious freedom. Here is my thought: go ahead and do what you want to your body. Feel free to cut off whatever piece you think God may want -slice away! However, hands off your son. I am wondering where mom was during all this because I have to say that if this happened in my house....yea, it wouldn't have. Said man would have been kicked to the curb with his trusty bible way before we would have gotten to the planning stage.

In the future, if in doubt, ask yourself: What would Jesus do? Because I have to say, I don't think he would have done that....I really don't.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Family - gotta love them

If I was Billy Baldwin, I would be a bit pissed at my sister-in-law, Mackenzie, for sharing her deep dark secret on national television with tv-guru Oprah because it thrusts everyone into the spotlight, and causes tongues to wag in unwanted directions . What does one gain by coming foward with the news that she had a 10-year consensual sexual relationship with her father (also known as incest); and how does this effect the other siblings? If you are her sister, you have to make it crystal clear that this had nothing to do with you and either support her claims or adamently deny them. Then this can add more fuel to the media machine....perfect! Does anyone have a book coming out? Why yes! An album? Perhaps? How about some acting gigs? Ga-ching! As you tab the tears with kleenex in one hand, make sure to hold up your new book with the other!

Did it happen? I don't know - I wasn't there. What does concern me is that the other person involved is this deep dark secret died 8 years ago; and, as we all know, dead men don't tell tales. All I do know is that holidays just got a whole lot more complicated for the Baldwins.....

Monday, September 21, 2009

Oh the inane questions we ask.....

I was ready to write about the Emmys when my blog topic got hijacked while watching Entertainment Tonight. Yes, ET, that tired tabloid show that once really was the place to tap into on all that is hot and happening. Now? Its the place to be if you want to see what CBS is trying to flog as the hot show of the moment and seeing the scary Mary Hart as she never ages (never).

What changed my direction was when perky Mary asked an actor and his long-term girlfriend of 12 years, "So, are you ever going to get married?" I was impressed by his acting abilities as the guy just smiled and gave some stock answer about feeling more committed than most married couples. Nicely done! Very PC - I probably would have asked her how dead her forehead really felt with all that Botox....

Mary's douchebag move made me realize that society at large loves to ask these questions.

For exampler:

If you're single - So, are you seeing anyone?

If you're dating - So, are you going to move in together and/or get married?

If you're living together - So, do you think you'll get married?

If you've been together too long (usually 2 years) - So, do you think you'll ever get married? (this is clearly asked in a way that you obviously know the answer is no)

If you're married - So, when are you going to have kids?

If you're married and no children are produced after 5 years - So, do you think you'll ever have children? (this is typically asked with great concern as it shows a great defect if healthy heterosexual couples are not rapidly producing)

If you are pregnant - So, will you find out the sex? Breastfeed? Clothe or disposal? The questions go on and on and on.....

If you have one child - So, do you want to have another child? Are you going to have another child? When are you having this other child?

Interesting that we don't ask the burning questions we really want to know.

Such as - if you do not seem to show interest in the opposite sex - So, are you gay?

If you seem unhappy in your marriage- S0, are you going to get a divorce?

If you are quite ill and near death- So, are you going to die? If so, can I have your car?

The last question is really stupid, right? Who would say that? Its so crass. Exactly. Just like the other questions, really. You don't know why certain things haven't happened yet - so does it help to ask? I know we are naturally curious; however, don't be a Mary.....

Friday, September 11, 2009

Something I was thinking about today

Its interesting how some themes in children books tend to be popular - orphans, for example. Harry Potter series, The Secret Garden, The Little Princess, Anne of Green Gables. Perhaps its the underdog theme, or the mystery of having no parents - it tends to be a recipe that works.

Another beloved theme, especially in younger children stories, is the wild child - rambunctious, marching to one's own beat, a bit of a hellion: Max from Where the Wild Things Are, precocious Elosie in her many adventures, Olivia the pig, Ramona, the bratty sister, so well written by Beverly Cleary (one of my favourite), Huck Finn, Skippyjon Jones - the list goes on.

So here's my thought - why do we love this character so much in fiction but not in real life? We love that Max runs around in his wolf costume, creating mayhem and threatening to stab the dog (okay, maybe not that part); however, we constantly ride children to behave, settle down, be quiet, be the same. The noisy energetic child who can't sit still needs to learn to behave, to follow the rules, as it would be easier for everyone. You don't want to get stuck with this kid in your child's class as he can't behave. Ideally, you would want a class of quiet well-behaved children, right?

So, I have a Max. A Skippyjon Jones. I have a son who has his own ideas. He is noisy. He is messy. He is energy personified. And he is all mine. I know that there will be times that I will feel embarrassed when he has done something in public; however, there will be times that he will feel embarrassed when I have done something in public - its a given. I have always love the rambunctious, tenacious character in fiction - and I love this character in real life as well. We need the Maxs, the Olivias, and the Huck Finns -if only to balance out the vanilla pudding and oatmeal folks (who no one tends to write about).

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Women face trial for glued penis tryst

Yup, some low-down cheating husband got busted big time by his wife and THREE of his girlfriends (found on Craiglist) - and the results weren't pretty. Lured to the motel room, the man was tied up, stripped down, and his penis Krazy Glue to his stomach; however, the article does not tell you how said-glued penis was unglued. Not to be too graphic - but was there permanent damage? Did it take off a layer of skin? Was it like a Band-Aid -just be quick and rip it off?

What I really loved is that the alleged victim gave his testimony in an orange jailhouse jumpsuit as he was in custody on unrelated charges of child abuse, theft and harassment. What a gem! What's that saying? Eye for an eye, dick for a dick? The women face a maximum penalty of 6 years for felony false imprisonment.....I think they have learned their lesson, officer; however, has he? One would hope as I hear Lorraine Bobbit is still out there, looking for love....

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

How not to be a douche

Dear Jon

Just some friendly advice from a woman - don't go on national television and announce that you love your 22 year-old girlfriend of 5 minutes more than you ever did your ex wife. Yea, yea - we all know that Kate rode you like a bronco pony; however, you are not winning any points with such declarations. Also keep in mind that your children may have access to this information and how will this effect them? Right now, they are probably still comprehending that mommy and daddy don't live together anymore - do they need to know that daddy despises mommy and he loves Hailey more? I am so pleased that you decided to grow a set - just pace yourself as no one loves a douche bag. It didn't work for Tom Cruise ala post-Nicole Kidman - and he was Maverick.

A non-fan

Monday, September 7, 2009

My weakness.....

I used to be Us Weekly obsessed. I would eagerly wait my fix of celebrity gossip and mind-numbing articles, drinking in the tasty tidbits of information: Guess the Baby Bump! Is Brad Cheating? Lindsay's Crazy Birthday Bash! And then my obsession faded. I think it was when I saw the pictures of Reese Witherspoon trying to shield her children from the paparazzi, and I realized that by buying the magazine I was supporting this behavior - the stalking of celebrities as prey. (I also realized that $5 a week was a bit of an expensive habit when I could feed for free on Perez Hilton and TMZ; however, I thought the ethical piece sounded better)

One habit I have yet to break is the guilty pleasure of buying the latest copy of Us when I go on holidays. So what did I learn this issue?

1. Tattoos are getting passe- smokin' hot girl, great dress, fantastic shoes.....crap-tacular tattoo on top of foot - some sand script piece. Wrecked the entire look.

2. Melanie Trump, Don's much younger wife who is 39 years old (I had to look this up on her own website - now that's scary!) is looking very pinched and pulled-back in the face. WTF? I am I going to have to start looking into get some "work" done soon? Damn it, that 20 year reunion is looming......

3. What makes a celebrity a celebrity? There was a full page on a jilted Bachelor contestant finding true love, after the fact, with some on-again off-again beau. And now they're engaged! the article included some sneak peeks of their registry - including some fugly wall art from Crackle Barrel for $40.

4. A very unflattering picture of Katherine Heigl (left side) that accompanied an article about stars who quit smoking. Seems like the message is more like don't quit.

5. "Octomom lost 115 pounds" - yea, she had 8 babies to start. The weight was also estimated by some random doctor who has never met said Octomom - that's journalism. And Octomom has a rep...of course she does.

6. Jon Gosselin looking like an aged past-prime divorced man hanging pool-side with young bikini-clad girls - it looks like a bad edition of MTV's Spring Break.

7. Poor K-Fed. Very unflattering picture of him at the pool with his kids. I would estimate that K-Fed has gained maybe 60 pounds since his break-up with Brit Brit. Of course, the article includes a very flattering 2006 photo when K was slim, trim and somewhat attractive (not my idea of gorgeous). Its nice to know that men also get the full meal deal treatment when it comes to obvious weight gain - I will now wait for the manorexic article.

8. Aubrey Day (who?) with her poor dyed pooch - okay, that's just wrong. Aubrey wants us all to know that, "its natural and she doesn't mind!" Hmmmmmmmm, that's so sweet that you talk to your dog and she told you! I will not even Google to find out who she I just don't care.

Hmmmmmm, until the next holiday break......

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Enough is enough.....

I just read that the Duggars have pleased as punch to let us all know that they are going to have their 19th baby! What.The.Fuck. I apologize for dropping the "f" bomb, but seriously - how irresponsible. In a time where there is concern about the world population growing beyond the sustainability of the planet, the Duggars are breeding like rabbits on speed.

What annoys me more is that this family is being rewarded for their breeding skills by having a reality show, TLC's 18 and Counting, a name that changes with each pregnancy bulge. What concerns me is that some screwball is going to get it in her head that to achieve fame, financial security, and a fan-base, she should be artificially inseminated and have 8 children on top of her 6....oh wait - that's Octomom, who is currently starring in her own reality show -check your local listings!

I do not doubt that Jim Bob and Michelle love each other very much, and their 18 (soon-to-be 19) children. I do wonder, though, how well they really get to know and enjoy their brood individually? I remember, with embarrassment, watching a special about the Duggars before they landed their regular show; and in the special, Michelle explained how each little Duggar was matched up to an bigger Duggar, who helped care for them. Wait a minute.....because mom and dad don't know when to stop, the older siblings have to be pseudo-parents? Even the Waltons knew when enough was enough at eight- and yes, I know they were a fictional family.

I know that the Duggars love to name their babies with names starting with "J"s; however, they should have gone for a bigger challenge and named the children in the orders of the ABCs as they would be limited to 26. They are now on T.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Common sense dictates....

Um, if you're a celebrity....don't make a sex tape. Really. Cause it never remains in your possession to watch quietly when you're bored. I am not sure why you would want to watch yourself having sex..... although they say that you have to be a total narcissistic (refers to the personality trait of self-love) to be an actor, so it would then make sense. Or perhaps its to study your technique....

Some great tapes have been leaked: Tommy Lee and Pam, Kim Kardashian, and Paris "Flash" Hilton. People are first shocked - this could mean the down fall! What shame! What disgust! What a position! Are those real? A deal is cut and money is made. Someone shows up on Letterman and a reality show and/or star is born. I am waiting for Heidi and Spencer of "The Hills" to announce their tape as been stolen.....for a cool 5 million. With royalties.

Why I am blogging this is because McSteamy, his wife and a former Miss United States Teen made a tape; and now its leaked. A disgruntled roommate of the beauty queen is the accused culprit (the two meet on "Celebrity Rehab"-right there, how did that seem like a good choice?). What I love is that the tape is being dubbed "McBoring" as its twelve minutes of naked people talking, taking a bath.....just random, pointless. How sad that your sex tape, a three-some even, is deemed mediocre. Wow.

So, what have we learned? Don't tape yourself having sex as it inevitably will get out there. However, if you must - go for the gold and make it raunchy as it could launch your career (again). I wonder if Lindsay Lohan has a tape yet?

Thursday, August 27, 2009

In a past life

Once upon a time, in another life, I was a tobacconist. Or is it Tobacconist? A purveyor of all things tobacco: cigarettes, cigars, pipe tobacco, snuff, chew, cigarillos - if it was made of the leaves of the plant in the genus Nicotiana, I sold it (how I got this job, that's another tale to tell).

Of all my jobs, I think I enjoyed this one the most. Partially because it an old establishment (1892, same location, steeped in history), partially because I and the staff were left alone to our own devices (for the most part), and partially because I was a young woman in my 20s managing, for the most part, a mens' shop. I was constantly challenge to prove myself - what did a little girl know about cigars? How could I possible know what made a good pipe versus a bad one? I knew because I was gifted in the art of bullshit AND I did sample some of wares - honesty.

I can tell you what menthol snuff is like -peppery yet cool as it blasts your nostrils. Herbal cigarettes, for the most part, are pretty foul; however, I do like the mandarin orange-flavoured Bidis. Clove cigarettes do numb your lips- hate the smell. Favourite pipe tobacco was a house blend - a delicious combination of 3 tobaccos: Saratoga, Zulu and Papeete - equal portion of each. The trick to smoking a Cuban cigar is to have something to eat first, drink while you're smoking to clean the palette, and don't inhale (unless you're hardcore). My favourite cigar is a Fuente Opus X, not a Cuban. Cigarillos were fun - I preferred the girly ones that were flavoured and dipped in things. Sad but true

I loved being able to speak with authority as I mesmerized middle-aged American men who scoffed at being served by a girl - and on more than one occasion, they asked for the manager to serve them, only to discover it was me. Nothing gave me greater pleasure then to sell a box of Cohiba Esplendidos ($52 a piece times 25) to such customers. I also enjoyed dashing dreams when someone would swagger in, fresh from a visit from Cuba with a box of such cigars, bragging how they only cost $125 for the whole box. I would pause, pretending to take my time as I searched for evidence that they were fakes, knowing all along that they were. I would then slowly explain, as if to a child, how I knew the cigars were not the real deal. Me, a silly girl.....not so silly after all.

The irony - I am not a smoker. Never was really. I tried when I was in junior high and high school, but it never really took (I say, almost apologetically). I actually find smoking to be rather disgusting; however, I sold it day in and day out for almost 8 years - very successfully, I might add. If I knew how to drive, I would make a fabulous car salesman.....person. Kind of like a drug dealer - which I was accused of being, more than once. But that was another life ago.....

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Poetry break

I saw you
leaning against the wall
and I thought
I would like to talk to you
about nothing
and everything
I would lean
with you
across from you
and talk
watching your eyes
your lips
looking for a response
so that slowly
without hesitation
I would lean
into you
and kiss your lips
capture the moment
and know
that you saw me
and I was real

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Headline that caught my eye.....

"Butt tattoo tips off girlfriend she's sleeping with twin brother"

While scanning the headlines on a national newspaper (no, it wasn't, I came across this little gem. With a headline like that, I had to click and see.....

A woman discovered, while having sex, that her boyfriend was really his twin brother the man she was with was missing a cowboy tattoo on his left buttock.

So it was the tattoo that tipped her off.....interesting.

Whose going to tell mom about this?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Celebrities uncovered

I have great sympathy for the spouses of celebrities who have affairs. They typically come off as deer-in-the-headlight innocent as their live implode for all to see/criticize.

For example, LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian met on some shit-0-lishes made-for-cable movie and began a not-so-secret affair, as recorded on They deny it left-right-and-centre, not explaining the images of LeAnn entering a hotel room in her home town during the day for two hours....(meditation, perhaps?). Their spouses stand beside them, declaring their love, asking the media to respect their privacy.....and then the truth hits the fan and splatters.

The sad thing is, its frightfully unoriginal. Tori and Dean did pretty much the same thing; and they have gone onto starring in reality shows about their delightful lives. Isn't it sweet? Awwwwwww! I just love that they can whip out the crappy DVD and show the kiddies how mommy and daddy met; although, that would not be so much fun for Dean's son from his first marriage....that could be a piece for therapy.

Jennifer and Marc did it.

Brad and Angelina (for the record, I was neither Team Jen or Team Angelian....I was Team Brad).

Here's what I would like to say - if you're screwing around, come out and be honest. Don't let your poor spouse make public statements about your stable relationship, how much he/she loves you, only to look like a cuckold idiot when you decide to pull the chord and unveil the "truth". Nothing is sexier than to begin a relationship with open and honesty, not as a dirty little secret meeting in hotel rooms that charge by the hour....unless you're into that. If that's the case, then I've got nothing to say except don't bother with the oversize base cap and sunglasses as a disguise - it never works. Perhaps a burka?

I get it - we cannot help what the heart (and other body parts) want....but come clean and make the break before it is played out for all to see - at least have the decency to do that.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


What I realize, as I get older and, dare I say, wiser, is that it is useless to wonder and ponder the "what ifs?". To have regrets. One can go insane wondering what would of happened if something had been done differently, said instead. Sometimes, you just have to look to your left to realize that things are exactly the way they should be....with no regrets.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

When reality walks by....

I was in a car, waiting for the light to change, when I noticed a man by the side of the street. He was dressed in a sweater that was too large, one sleeve was dangling as I am not sure where his arm was. He was probably in his late 40s, early 50s, a little out-of-it, as he crossed the street; and that's when I noticed the unmistakable dark stain that ran down the back of his khaki -coloured pants. Dude, I this what becomes of us?

And then I realized that I knew this was Wally, an old customer of from the cigar shop I slung tobacco in a life-time ago. Wally was a little off his rocker -I was never sure what it was - depression? Manic? Schizophrenia? I never asked as I didn't want to break the boundaries I had set with customers. For example, I was the Queen of Small Talk; however, I rarely got into my personal life - yes, I was married and eventually had a child; however, surface details were good enough. Just as I would know names and a bit about customers; however, I rarely saw them outside of the shop as I had no desire to socialize with them. Boundaries - they are there for a reason.

Wally came from the East, and was once a doorman for a hotel, I believe. Wally had great days - he would show up freshly shaved and wanting something tasty and pricing as he had some money (typically around the end of the month, Welfare Wednesdays). Then there were the days when we wouldn't see Wally for a while (he could be quite regular - even twice a day); and when we would wee him, Wally was looking quite rough. Hair every where, clothes disheveled, caked dirt under the nails. Wally would then dump a hand-full of coin on the counter to see if he had enough for the cheapest cigarillo. And there were times when Wally didn't even have that, so we would "float" him and run a small tab, knowing that Wally would settle up eventually. When you manage a place, you are able to make these "rules", as crazy as they may seem; however, being able to get a .95 cigarillo, knowing that people would let you have it on the honor system when you have nothing else- I imagine that can be pretty empowering.

When I saw Wally walking by with his urine-soaked pants, I wondered what happened to him to get to that point. What crack had he finally fallen through? I just remembered how, for brief moments, we would treat him as an equal; and then I wondered, how often does that happen for him now?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Why I am glad I am not a celebrity

I cannot imagine having a public fight with my mother, let alone fighting to the point that we are no longer talking to each other and have resorted to mud-slinging. So I don't get Candy and Tori Spelling's latest feud as they use the various media resources to get their "side" of the story out. Candy is a real piece of work as she writes open letters to, a site that offers the inside look at the latest celebrity scandal....she sooooo knows what shes doing. Her latest is to accuse her daughter and son-in-law of using their two small children as props. I really liked that she wrote the letter to "MIDDLE-AGED REALITY SHOW STARS (LIKE MY DAUGHTER)" - ouch! Um, Tori is only that middle-age?

Tori is no saint -she has skewered her mother is 2 books and one television series (No-Tori-ous - which had Loni Anderson playing a caricature of her was definitely like watching therapy); however, to take out public letters in tabloids ....that is screaming messed up.

All the money in the world could not bring these two women back together....which is sad as the children are the real losers in this war. The fact that they may never see Grandma's gift wrapping room is a crying shame. I am just glad Aaron isn't here to see his family play out like a bad episode of Beverly Hills 90210, when Donna blew up at her mom over her love for the ne'er-do-well David......

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Favourite John Hughes films

Top 10 favourite John Hughes films

10. The Great Outdoors (1988) - writer/producer

I cannot explain why I watch this movie over and over again. I think its the duo of John Candy and Dan Akyrody, the quirky music, the creepy red-haired twins, and the bear....I think.

9. Vacation (1983) writer

I was 10 when I saw this film - WAY too young for much of the content; however, I loved the humor - the dysfunctional relatives. Chevy chasing Christie Brinkey. The music. I may not have gotten all of it - but I got enough to know it was pretty funny.

8. Christmas Vacation (1989) writer/producer

I always get dragged into this movie when CBC shows it. Maybe its Randy Quid in the limp boxers. Maybe its Chevy trying to plan the perfect Christmas that goes so horribly wrong - too many lights on the house, the annoying relatives, the squirrel in the tree - its a Christmas classic.

7. Weird Science
(1985) director

It was weird. It was juvenile. It didn't have any really big star except a post-Breakfast Club Anthony Michael Hal and a young undiscovered Bill Paxton. That said, there was something very enjoyable about two hapless boys creating the ultimate woman who then turns their lives around with chaos. Kelly LeBrock was kicked some major ass - then she married Steven Seagal.....

6. Home Alone (1990) writer/producer

I am a sucker for this movie. I love the moment when Kevin wakes up and believes he has made his entire family disappear after a disastrous night before in which he was unfairly blamed and sent to bed without supper. And I love the moment when Kevin hears his mother's voice and he is so relieved to know he is not alone after all.

5. Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) writer/producer

Eric Stoltz was positively dreamy as the sensitive artistic senior who wants Amanda Jones (Lea Thompson) to notice him; however, Watts, his loyal tomboy best friends, pines for him as she pounds away on her drum set. This was the last great Hughes romance - not the strongest; however, I can re-play the last scene over and over and over again.....

4. Uncle Buck (1989) writer/producer/director

I wanted an Uncle Buck - big, goofy, but there when you needed him. The kids (Gaby Hoffman and a pre-Home Alone Macauley Caulkin) were ridiculously cute to boot.

3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) writer/producer/director

Matthew Broderick will forever be Ferris - the boy you wanted to skip school with. The parade scene brought the Beatles to a whole new generation with "Twist and Shout"; and who could forget Ben Stein's monotone reciting, "Bueller. Bueller. Bueller"

2. Sixteen Candles (1984) writer/director
I watched this film about a dozen times one summer (it was the movie to rent the summer I was going into grade 10) and wanted to be Sam because, even with all her trials and tribulations (who could forget the infamous underwear scene), Jake Ryan still showed up at her sister's wedding to whisk her away for birthday cake and a kiss. Sam, awkward, a sophomore, was chosen by Jake, the hot senior who was dating the most popular (if, be it, bitchy) girl in the school. Against all odds, Sam got her cake and ate it too.....something we all deserve.

1. Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987) writer/producer/director

Steve Martin and John Candy in the ultimate anti-buddy film. Who can forget the guys sharing a bed together, cuddling. Or driving down the wrong side of the road with the car on fire. Or Steve freaking out at Edie McClurg. Or the bittersweet moment when Steve realizes why John was traveling salesman....

Sunday, August 9, 2009

A lesson learnt

I cannot walk in your shoes
I cannot climb in your head
Its not for me to judge you
I cannot say anything
that you have already
said to yourself.
Instead I will listen
and let you talk
about anything
And that's enough

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

What I found sad

A random headline caught my eye, "Former American Idol Contestant Found Dead"; and so, like any morbidly curious person, I clicked and learnt that "Glitter Girl" Alexis Cohen was found dead by the side of the road, a victim of a hit-and-run. Two pedestrians found her body. Who was this young woman? She appeared twice on American Idol during the audition cycle - she was erratic, volatile, eccentric - a freak show. People could laugh at her antics, shake their heads in disbelief as she proclaimed herself to be the next American Idol.....and then when she came back the next year! What a sucker for punishment! It was so bad it was funny - comical even. Right?

I just find it incredibly sad that in the end, she was found dead, alone, at 4am, by the side of the road, like an animal, by two strangers who just happened upon her. This was some one's daughter, some one's child - I find that sad.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

For the record....

I do not lay awake wondering:

  • Was Michael Jackson gay?
  • Was he murdered?
  • Did he have both anorexia and bulimia?
  • Is he the biological father to all or any of his children?
  • Will A & E put the Jackson reality show on air that they were filming before his death?
  • How many pills was he taking daily?
  • What is his estate worth?
  • Will Debbie Rowe seek custody of the two older children?

What I do lay awake worrying about:

  • What the hell is going on in North Korea?
  • Will the Swine flu be as big as 1918?
  • Will my son have a happy life?
  • How can I make sure my son has a happy life?
  • Will the economy collapse?
  • Could we loose our jobs?
  • Is this it?
  • How much longer can Earth really sustain the population?

And finally:

  • Will the Republicans really pick Sarah Palin as their candidate in the 2012 elections? I fear that that could be the signal for the end of the world......

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Now that's a headline

Sifting through the various headlines, caught my eye with

Marcia Brady' Says Television Sister 'Jan' Won't Talk to Her Over 'Lesbian Love Affair'

Now that's a headline! Leave it to Fox News to break that story wide open! I was intrigued to see what other juicy tidbits they could feed me and here is what I found:

Report: Shauna Sand Cheated on Lorenzo Lamas With His Son

Nice. For those of you who can't remember, Lorenzo starred that '80s show on the estate, Falcon Crest, I think. He is now reduced to a headline about being cuckolded by his wife and 18 year old son....have a feeling that wasn't a plot line in FC - or was it?

'Harry Potter' Star Could Face 14 Years for Growing Marijuana Farm

I was curious - was it one of the Weasleys? Perhaps George or Fred? Nope, it was a Slytherin - the kid that plays Crabbe, Malfoy's henchman. The real question is, did Harry buy any? Perhaps "magic" is just another word for hallucinogenic.

And finally, un-entertainment related...

Factory Worker Dies After Falling Into Vat of Chocolate

See? Death by chocolate does exist.....

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A new variation of my name

I had to call someone at work today; and when I said my name, the person said, "I'm sorry, did you say Susan?" Hmmmmm, Eden / Susan - I can see how you could get the two confused...........I didn't even bother with my helpful, "like the garden....." oh wait, I did; however, even that was lost on her and l just gave up and finally said, "yes, Susan I am". I have been renamed.

What I would give to be a one hit wonder....

I am always amazed by how we criticize someone who doesn't place in the Olympics, who was nominated for an Oscar but didn't win, or who had one hit song but never did anything else. And what have you done lately?

The reality is, the mass majority of us will never achieve such success. I, for one, will probably never intoxicate the world with a song that causes hoards of people to download and sing my creation. I will probably never star, co-star, or have a cameo in a film. I am pretty sure I will never be signed to the NHL for a second-string team. Nena's 99 Luftballoons is iconic - and what have you done lately?

We just love to diminish and criticize.....Sally Kirkland, anyone?

What I wouldn't give to be a one hit wonder.....with killer royalties

Monday, June 29, 2009

Things I saw today...

On my way to work
A dead deer by the side of the busy urban street. It was surreal as I saw hooves lying by the sidewalk. I wanted to cover the poor animal up -, sadly, however, I don't tend to pack an extra tarp with me. Poor thing....I guess he was trying to get to the drug store that was across the street, for reasons unknown.

At lunch
Walking to work from the drug store (the same one the deer didn't make to), I saw what, I thought, was a young couple in a death-like embrace. I was wearing my i-pod, listening to Miley Cyrus "See You Again" (don't ask - and don't judge!), and was intrigued by the passionate grappling that was taking place. Then I noticed that the young couple was actually older than I first in their mid-40s; and I am pretty sure they were junkies. Suddenly that intriguing moment was not so intriguing as I realized they were probably fighting over who took the last hit and where were they getting their next....and then they crossed the busy highway towards me, like aimless deers - and I saw a repeat of my morning. I just scuttled by with my library books, listening to Miley and trying not to draw attention to myself.

On the way home
I was on the bus, reading my book and unwinding when I suddenly smelt beer. Great, I thought, some old drunk is behind me. I pulled the cord for my stop; and a few seconds later, the drunk was yanking away, trying to figure out why the cord wasn't working. The person got up to tell the driver - the drunk turned out to be a young woman (maybe 19) in the shortest shorts (we're talking a glimpse of cheeks) with the biggest white Playboy bunny purse - she was the defination of a white hot mess. As she giggled her way off the bus, the driver commented that he like how she smelt. Hee hee, she twittered, its Budweiser! Hmmmmm, the driver said, Bud with a splash of sunshine - you smell good. I kid you not - this is the exchange I overheard. I hurried off the bus before I hurled.

Seriously? She's a silly little girl, drunk at 5pm, wearing denim underpants - that is hot? Okay, it probably is; but really, after the day I had, what I saw.....I needed to drink something in the sun and fry my brain. Yup, it was one of those days.....

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I wonder.....

I wonder if Farrah is really pissed at Michael for eclipsing her today? When she passed away at 9am, all the shows were set to open with her: ET, Larry King. People magazine was buzzing away with the tribute with her on the cover.

Then the King of Pop dies at 2pm and everything has to be changed. Its all about Michael.....retrospects, shocked "friends" giving statements, speculations, observations. On and on and on....

Maybe Farrah is smiling and is glad to have the spotlight swung away.

The death of icons

Within a matter of days, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson have all died. Ed was no surprise, as he was old (strange to say, but true really). Farrah's death was a blessing as she had been so sick. MJ was shocking - some may compare it to Elvis's - icon in 50s, maybe drug related....

So why do I care? I didn't know these people....and yet I did. My childhood memories involve all 3 in one capacity or another. I read a status of a 18 year old who suggested people to get over it; another 15 year old questioned why anyone cared about the death of a let me explain.

Ed McMahon

I remember him sitting on the couch with Johnny, laughing away at some joke I didn't get.

I remember him on Bloopers with Dick Clark.

I remember the Publisher's Clearance House Sweepstakes ads - "look for the envelope with my face on it!"

I remember Ed always being on the tv, like a grandfather; however, I always imagined he could have a dark side - like the camera would shut off, and Ed would be quite vulgar and crass.

Farrah Fawcett

I remember watching Charlie's Angels with my sister; and we never chose to be Farrah's character as she just seemed out of our league....even at a young age, we knew that Farrah was something amazing.

I remember the infamous poster. I don't know if I knew anyone who had it on his walls....but I remember the poster.

I remember her with Ryan O'Neal and wonder why? She seemed so beautiful and he seemed so ....not beautiful.

I remember her on David Letterman and knew why she was with Ryan.

I remember her being a kooky has-been who was once considered the most beautiful woman in the world.

Michael Jackson

I remember being given 3 albums for Christmas in 1983 when I was 11 -Culture Club, Colour by Numbers, Bryan Adams, Cuts Like a Knife, and Michael Jackson, Thriller. Those albums were influential and my introduction into pop culture. That is when I started to watch "Good Rockin' Tonight", Much Music, and music videos.

I remember being in grade six and watching a couple of classmates go hysterical he showed up on What's New; and I remember my teacher being completely disgusted by this.

I remember the single glove and the vinyl-red jacket; and I remember the jacket showing up in red or black at Kmart.

I remember laughing when Weird Al did "Eat It".

I remember being mesmerized by "Black or White".

I remember being horrified by the physical transformation over time, wondering, what the hell?

I remember hearing about "Neverland", wondering, what the hell?

I remember hearing the allegations, marriage to Lisa Maria, the children, wondering, seriously, WHAT THE HELL?

I remember feeling very sorry for the man-child who had, in my mind, everything and yet had nothing.

I remember thinking that he had been used by so many.

So why do I care? Because I remember all this as I was growing up, becoming an adult, and its part of my fabric. I can understand why someone at 18, 15, would not get let me bring it down to their level. This week is like having Ryan Seacrest, Miley Cryus and all three Jonas Brothers all passing away within two days.....shocking and hard to imagine, right?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

One last thing.....

Jon and Kate should do the decent thing and have their show canceled.....but since when has it been about decency?

Monday, June 22, 2009

I am so naive

I am watching If These Walls Could Talk 2, which focuses on lesbian relationships in 3 eras-1960s, 1970s and the 1990s. The first era starred Vanessa Redgrave as Edie, whose long-time partner, Abbey, just passed away, and no one recognizes the two women as being nothing more than room mates and good friends. The hospital staff will not let her see her partner before she passes as she is not the "next of kin". Abby's family just want Edie to take a memento and vacate so that they can sell the house and all its content. And throughout this, Edie has a quiet dignity as she mourns her lover, partner, soul mate.

What I don't get it why, even now, we as a society get caught up on whose loving who. I think we have come forward a bit - however, why is gay marriage not legal? Why can't same-sex couples adopt? Why do they not have the same rights as heterosexual couples? Love is a precious beautiful thing; and if you find it, you are fortunate......

Death does not discriminate - it doesn't matter if Jane is with Harry or Sally, Jane will still die of a massive heart attack; however, Harry will get her life insurance, Sally won't. What if Harry was an absolute douche and Sally was the love of her life? I am so naive......

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Sarah Palin is a cracker jack (and other things)

Just when you thought it was safe to watch television, listen to the radio, or read the newspaper, Sarah decides she needs to some more attention. She heard that David Letterman made inappropriate jokes about her family (oh, where does one begin? And stop?) I saw the joke in
question - it was in reference to her now-18 year old daughter who had a child 6 months ago. He joked that Sarah's daughter was knocked up" by New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez during a ball game. Was it funny? Not really. Was it in poor taste? Not really, but that's my sense of humour.

The next day, Sarah and her husband each release separate statements condemning Letterman for his inappropriate joke; however, they skewered the story so that it appeared that Letterman was joking about their precious virginal 14 year old daughter.

Todd stated, "any jokes about raping my 14-year-old daughter are despicable." I totally agree...if it was about your 14-year-old daughter. Wait, I must have missed the rape reference in the joke......strange.

To continue the momentum, Sarah chimed in with, "'Laughter incited by sexually-perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is not only disgusting, but it reminds us some Hollywood/NY entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands -- that acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments about an underage girl, who could be any one's daughter, contributes to the atrociously high rate of sexual exploitation of minors by older men who use and abuse others.'" One can feel their blood pressure rise as the villagers light their torches to hunt down the monster.

Wow! Have we all forgotten about precious Bristol (which sounds like a cheap cream liquor) is a teenage unwed mother to a Republican bible-thumping, gun-carrying mother? That is where the humour lies. Sarah, however, decides to twist words and make Letterman look like a lecherous perverted man capable of molesting not just her child but YOUR child as well.....and that is just messed up. Remove the smoke and mirrors, and at the end of the day you have a very sad woman who needs to read a few passages in her Good Book to be reminded about truth and compassion to others. Something about "do unto others".....remember that one?

Fear mongering is on the rise. Smear campaigns are popular. It gets you back in the media and you are America's darling, surrounded by the popping glow of fame - but at whose expense? I know the truth; however, for every person who knows the truth, 9 people won't by choice or ignorance- and that is dangerous.

I am an advocate for freedom of speech; however, you must be smarter than a 5th grader. Ooops, Sarah, guess you're please go away and shut the door behind you.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Why I may not attend my 20th high school reunion....

With less than a year to go, I am debating if I will attend my 20th high school reunion-which is ironic as I left my 10th reunion utterly convinced that I would be back in 10 years, hell or high water. So what's changed?

Here are my top 10 reasons why I may not attend:

10. I was very drunk at the 10 year reunion
Sadly, I look at the pictures from the last reunion; and I look like I am having a fantastic time - those around me, not so much (there is terror in some eyes)

9. Facebook
I have connected with pretty much everyone I would want to see.....and some I wouldn't want to, so the mystery is not really there anymore. Not really.

8. I didn't write a bestselling novel
Enough said

7. I didn't not write a screenplay based on my novel

6. I didn't win an Academy Award and, during my acceptance speech, out every asshole I went to high school with to shame them for their behavior (but I'm not bitter)

5. I wasn't on Oprah and unable to talk about the greatness of me despite my horrible childhood, which included an assortment of assholes (as mentioned in my AA speech)

4. I played therapist at my last reunion
For some unknown reason, in my drunken state, I decided to ask people if they were didn't go over well

3. I have no where to stay
This might not be true; however, it could play in my decision as my parents don't live there anymore and I refuse to pay to stay in a hotel room

2. I may not be invited
Seriously, I really made an impression at my 10 year....and it wasn't necessarily good

1. I am too immature
I saw pictures posted of the '89 reunion; and I was ecstatic to see certain people had gained quite a bit of weight and looked like crap - and that is so not the spirit of a reunion, right? To empower oneself through the shortfalls of your peers? No, that's what high school was for.....

Will I go? At this point, I don't know. If I do, I may have to explain my past behavior to a drinking problem that put me into rehab.....or I will have to think of a new question to randomly ask, such as "Yea, but is this the life you thought you would have?" Hmmmmmm, I have just under a year to work on that.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Does it matter?

Why do we care so much about another person's sexuality? On 20/20, one of the segments is on an American Idol finalist being gay - and? The segment started with how there is great debate going on in Amercia: is he or isn't he GAY? What's his sexual identity? My question is - why do we care?

Straight. Gay. Hetero. Homo. Bi-sexual. Bi-curious. Why do we have to have these labels? Why do I need to know that Tom Cruise is definitely a heterosexual? Would he be less convincing in his role as "Maverick" if I knew that he was gay in real life?

But there is a stress to define one's sexuality or that person is shrouded in speculation, poked and prodded by the media until they are forced to come out. Hmmmmm, Kevin Spacey is never seen with a woman AND he loves acting in the theatre -gay? Edie Falco adopted a child on her own - lesbian? Who cares! When I watch someone act, or hear someone sing, I appreciate (or hate) their talent, not what (or who) they are doing in the bedroom.

Am I curious to know if a major Hollywood star is gay? Yea, I admit it, I am. Does this make me a hypocrite? I will ponder this as I cruise through Perez's site to see who he is speculating about today *wink*

Baby, it doesn't matter at the end of the day.....I will love you just the same

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The invasion of the cell phone

I would say it was a generational thing, the invasion of the cell phone; however, I beg to differ. I see all walks of life, all ages, yakking away on the cell phone whenever, whatever. On the bus, walking down the street, in cars and shops. I was making my way through Costco today, participating in the weekly pilgrimage to the mecca store; and I swear there was a rash of calls made in Costco while I was there. The emergencies included what type of chips to buy for a family get-together (Well I know most people like sour cream and onion, but you know how Uncle Earl is!), did someone need a pair of shorts (No, they're super cute! Not too long, not too short, and they come in 3 colours. Should I get you a pair?) to when someone was expected home (I don't know what time we'll be home - we have to finish our shopping and get some gas...). I saw older grandmothers on their cellphones, men, etc - it was like an epidemic.

When did we start making phone calls while we shop? When did it become a necessity? It reminds me of how there are certain styles that really suit slim people; however, companies now make the style in all size. One must pause and think, just because they make it in that size, doesn't mean you should wear it. Just because you can make a phone call while you shop, doesn't mean you have to make it. Convenience is great; however, don't overdo it.

It should be noted that I so rarely used my cellphone that I couldn't even give the number to Virgin Mobile when I called to cancel it after the phone was stolen......I just don't get the addiction. Again, I would say its a generation thing; however, the 86 year old woman describing the variety of chips available at Costco would beg to differ

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Waiting Place

Dr. Seuss wrote a great book years ago called "The Places You'll Go". It gained popularity a few years ago as the book to give a graduate - be it from high school, university, beauty school, etc. In it, he describes The Waiting Place:

..for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go.
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.

"Everyone is just waiting."

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

(Dr. Seuss, The Places You'll Go)

I kind of feel like I've ended up there without realizing I had made the turn. The question is, what am I waiting for? Here is what I have realized about myself as I wait: I embrace change, love it,crave it - bring it on! I hate waiting. Can't stand it. Have no patience. Want to get on with it - now!

So, I sit in The Waiting Place, just waiting....

Monday, June 1, 2009

Summer television sucks

Tonight's stellar offering?

I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here!

First of all, define celebrity.....

Wikipdia defines celebrity as, " widely-recognized or notable person who commands a high degree of public and media attention....There are degrees of celebrity status which vary based on an individual's region or field of notoriety. While someone might be a celebrity to some people, to others he may be completely unknown..." and this really could be the entire assemble of "I'm a Celebrity"....a mix of has-been, wanna-bes, and never-heard-ofs - yes, its the whose who of the F-list! Lets begin the roster in no particular order.....

Janice Dickinson
Why? No, wait, I know why - Tyra kicked her out 7 seasons ago on ANTM, and Janice has been trying to find her groove ever since. Warning to elderly super models - HDtv is NOT your friend. I thought poor Janice's face was melting....sadly, it was not.

John Salley
Who? Oh, he played for the NBA - hence why I've never heard of him.

Stephen Baldwin
He did threaten he would leave the States if Obama was elected.....sadly, he is no Alec.

Torrie Wilson
Who? Oh, former "professional" wrestler - and token blond with fake breast.

Sanjaya Malakar
Um, do we need to give him anymore encouragement? Why must the annoying be rewarded with more attention? This will send children the wrong message.

Who? And there's two! Aw, they're best friends! However, that is not their claim to fame - oh no! They appeared on Oprah where they were dubbed "America's funniest people" - this taken directly from the official "Celebrity" website; therefore, it must be true!

Heidi and Spencer
I cannot justify giving these two reality whores their own individual mention. It is disgusting to know that, together, they have made 3 million dollars with their "sparkling" personalities while people are struggling to make end meets. I blame the fall of the U.S. economy on their fake Mexican wedding -but I am sure Speidi are the nicest, most genuine folks EVER!

Patti Blagojevich
Who? No, seriously - who? Wife of former Illinois Governor, ohhhhhhh. And that's worthy enough to be on a reality show about celebrities? Good to know.

And finally.....

Lou Diamond Phillips
Wow....from "La Bamba" and "Young Guns" to sharing an outdoor latrine with Sanjaya - this is hitting rock bottom. What great career move can come of this? Perhaps Speidi needs a new pool boy?

Sweet Jesus, when is "Lost" coming back? Even reruns will sufice....

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I give them 2 years....

Sadly, I read today that Archie is marrying Veronica....and I am devastated. I always imagine that bitchy Veronica would end up unhappily married to nasty Reggie while Archie and the fair-haired Betty would marry for love and live happily ever after in Riverdale. I am not sure how this all will be justified - I can only hope that when the priest asks, "if anyone knows any reason why the marriage may not lawfully take place" that Betty will proudly stand up and declare her love a'la "The Graduate" - perhaps she could have a pronounced bump....although that may rock the conservative nature of "Archie" and its bubblegum world.

My childhood dreams are a bust....

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The story of Jon and Kate....

Imagine that you fall crazy in love - weak-in-the-knees, you-are-the-one love. You marry and decide to start a family because this is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, and children are that natural path....only you can't do it the old fashion way. So , money and injected hormones later - twin girls! You're happy, over the moon! What could be better? You decided, a few years later, that another baby would just add to this amazing life you have built together, so away you go! More money, more injected hormones and wham! You having sextuplets! Wow - how is this going to work? But you remind yourself, at the end of the day, at least you have each other....

Then your prayers are answered....some channel wants to tell your story in the form of a one hour documentary! The public loves it! They gobble up your stress, tears, laughter. A follow-up is order, and then a series. Lights and cameras move in, following every move, spat, biting comment - it all makes for great television. And the kids - oh, the kids! So precious! So precocious! Look at them fight! Look at them smear pudding on the window! Look at them grow! Awwwwww!

However, there is a shift. The show is now a caricature of you - the screaming fish monger's wife and the hen-pecked husband. Interactions are tense and, at times, cruel. You are raising eight children in a fish bowl, a fish bowl you created in exhange for finicial compinsation, but a fish bowl none the less. Its not fun anymore - its painful. The audience starts to wonder why you're still together, then speculate that it must be for the sake of the children.....or that someone has drunk himself into oblivion and is feeling no pain. You know how you are being protrayed; however, you tell yourself that its all in the editing, that it doesn't matter, that you can pull the plug anytime....that you're in control.

So what is left? A marriage is destroyed. Eight children are left with a splintered home. The person who was once "the one" is a now a stranger. Where did the love go? What happened? And for what? Four complete seasons of a family that may not exist anymore.

And it all began when you met, fell crazy in love and decided that you wanted to live happily ever after.....

The end.

Monday, May 25, 2009

10 reasons I hate the news.....

10. Icebergs - they're melting, we're doomed
9. Honey bees - they're dying, we're doomed
8. Mocking birds - they're changing their song due to global warming, we're doomed
7. Swine flu - pandemic looming, we're doomed
6. Iran - they hate us, we're doomed
5. North Korea - they're launching nuclear missiles tests, we're doomed
4. Al-Qaeda - they're gaining strength again, we're doomed
3. Missing children - BC has the highest amount of missing children, they're not safe anywhere, therefore we're doomed
2. Diet - doesn't matter what we eat, we're doomed
1. The economy - its in the tank, about to bust, heading into another depression, we're doomed

Friday, May 22, 2009

I'm just people watching....

I was on the bus the other day when I saw a young guy, probably mid-20s,happily strumming away on his guitar as he waited for the light to change. It was 9am, not downtown...and I wondered why? Does he love music so much that he breaks into song at any opportunity? Is he disturbed? Does he think someone will stop and offer him a record deal? What makes people do such things? Perhaps I am just jaded and should applaud his joi de vive....the freak.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Next Day....

After all that, we returned to the scene of the crime to see if the rumour was true: criminals often throw away everything but what they want/need - money, cell phone, etc. And guess what? Thrown in the bush, 12 feet in, was my precious Keen messenger bag. Inside? Library book, lip balm, some odds and sods. Missing? Wallet, cell phone - but I didn't care cuz a bit of order was restored. Funny what gives us comfort.....

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

What I did this weekend....

So, quiet weekend planned, visiting family up island....decide to go for a walk in nature. Park the car, about to get out, automatically grab my messenger bag. D tells me to leave my bag in the I need it? My intuition is to say no, its coming with; instead, I blindly agree. As we're pulling ourselves together, I notice an older man standing by a fence, looking casually around. He's in his late 50s, early 60s, nothing memorable except he is wearing dark blue nylon ski boots. Uh, odd, I think. He mutters "Good morning", we think nothing of it. We loose track of the guy when we go and look at a map with our young son. As we head off on the path, the guy walks by us and mutters 'good morning" again - and I notice he won't make eye contact. It hits me hard - this guy is insanely creepy. I want to leave, grab my family, and get the hell out of there. I mention to D that I should get my cell, trying to find an excuse to go back to the car - D assures me that he has his, no worries. Off we go and eventually I relax.....

On the way back, after 30mins of walking, exploring and taking pictures, we walk back - planning to get some lunch, pickup some groceries, only to be stopped by a young couple with their dog. They warn us that three cars had their windows smashed, including a little black car - our car. I feel like sound is being sucked out and time has slowed down as we make our way to parking lot. There's our car - minus the driver's side window. I stare at the broken glass as D pops the trunk- sure enough, my bag is gone. As I am about to cry in disbelief, my son tells me he has to go pee - and I am brought back to reality. I remind myself that no one was hurt, that the guy was only after money and things he could pawn; however, it stings and feels personal. He saw me with my son, he saw that we were a family - he looked and saw us. How can I not take it personally? But logic tells me that the guy saw an opportunity; and that is all we were - the right opportunity at the right time.

What was taken? My wallet with all my id, and $7 in change, a crappy cell phone, a library book (fck!) and my beloved Keen messenger bag.......the worth? For the guy, $7; for me, a couple of hundred dollars to replace everything (car, bag, id, etc) and a ruined weekend as we clean up after the mess. What have I learnt? Listen to my intuition and never trust a man wearing nylon ski boots in the middle of May....but at least no one was hurt ( and I mean that sincerely).

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Careful what you wish for OR you reap what you sow: the tragedy of a fame whore

The drama of Jon and Kate (of "Plus 8" fame) is playing out daily on Jon was caught in bar with girls! Jon denies affairs! Kate denies affair with bodyguard (they have a bodyguard?) Kate is on the cover this week with the headline, "Kate Admits to Struggling in her Marriage" - really? Do tell more? How relaxing can it be to have twins AND sextuplets? How relaxing can it be to have a film crew following you around, watching your every move, editing a day in your life into an "entertaining" hour of television? Wait - these were choices YOU made....

You want fame? You want financial compensation? It all comes with a price - sometimes a little more dear than you realize. Privacy is a luxury; and society loves nothing more than for people to slip off the same pedastles they built. What is sad is that at the end of the day, there is a family in pain, children who don't understand what is going on outside their world. I don't envy Jon and Kate, not for all the money in the world

Friday, May 8, 2009

The problem with oatmeal.....

Have you ever met a person that comes across as bland, tasteless, lacks flavour - in other words, blah? It doesn't matter how much energy or pizazz you put into the conversation, the person is about as exciting as a bowl of lukewarm mushy oatmeal.....The person is nice enough - might even start the conversation - but the flow just doesn't exist. You find yourself floundering, grasping at straws to keep the conversation a float - but why? Why should you be the trained monkey excerting energy for pennies? Just smile, nod, respond and make an excuse to exit the lack-luster chat. The upside of oatmeal? Makes you appreciate the brunch buffets all the more.....

Thursday, May 7, 2009

If I worked for Hallmark....

I think there should be a line of Mother's Day card that celebrate the dysfunctional mom. Like, "Thanks for leaving me with Grandma and Grandpa - I turned out okay!" or "You did the best you could, considering - so crack open another beer and toast yourself on a job well done!". The reality is, not everyone had June Cleaver or Mrs. C for moms. Some were absent, some were abusive, and some were just downright Joan Crawford-ish. The saving grace for some is the generic blank card with a simply flower on the front.....because sometimes you just can't put into words what this person means (or doesn't mean) to you.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Puzzle me this....

Why do people walk and read at the same time? Is it a Victoria thing? I was crossing the street to catch my connecting bus and a girl, probably early 20s, walked by, head in a book. Is the book that gripping that she literally could not put it down? Is she anti-social and does not want to make eye contact? Are you REALLY able to concentrate on what you are reading as you walk by traffic, fellow pedestrians, small children haphazardly navigating their bikes? I should ask someone one day....if I can get their attention.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Ick factor

I was lurking around FB and saw that a married friend had some lollie pop application in which strangers can suck her lollie pop.....did I mentioned she's married? The ick factor just increased. I am not sure how smart of an application that is to have when your husband is a "friend" on your page.....

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Life - the ulitmate test

Here is a theory....mulled over as I wander around the grounds at work this morning

We approach life like an examine in high school:

The A Student
Some arrive at ease, studied, well-rested, prepared - complete with 2 sharpened 2HB pencils. They will take their time, answer carefully, and will leave enough time to review and enjoy. When asked how they did, they tend to downplay their success and keep it at that.

The B Student
Others will have stayed up all night studying, cramming - and in the end, will crap the bed and blank out. They will desperately scramble to unload their brain, dump anything they can on the paper, then bitch and moan with excuses until the examine comes back with a decent grade.

The C Student
A few will try and bullshit they way through the answers, using a whole lotta big words and descriptions, hoping their ignorance won't be discovered and called out. Typically, their exams are covered with with a lot of red marks and comments like, "You have gone off topic", and "Not sure where you were going with this".

The "F" Student
Then there are the ones who sit beside the smart guy and cheat - copying his work, changing a few words and taking full credit. Sometimes they pass with flying colours; however, every so often, they get caught and are blamed with plagiarism - which they quickly turn around and blame the other guy.

And finally, there are the individuals who don't show up........

Not sure which one I am.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Just leave it alone....

With the remake of Fame coming out in September, and the threat of Footloose just around the corner, I would like to plead that the following treasures of my youth be left alone......

Sixteen Candles
Top Gun
The Goonies

I also ask that no freaky reunion movie be made of any of these...although Flashdance could be interesting- Alex and her man split, leaving her to raise their 3 children. Alex is down on her luck and her only option is to take up the one thing she vowed never to do.....except she discovers her routines are hopelessly outdated to the new girls' -what will she do? The drama! The tension! The music! Jennife Beal could totally pull this off . Perhaps Demi Moore could play the crusty veteran stripper who takes her under her wings and shows her the ropes, or pole (whatever they are using these days). What to call this potential gem?

Thursday, April 30, 2009

I'm blaming Tom Cruise

People magazine has a headline, "Top Gun Kelly McGillis 'Done with the Man Thing'", in which Kelly has reveled she is done with men and looking to date a woman. Its interesting that not even a week ago, CNN.Com had an article on married women leaving their husbands for other women. Hmmmmmm, something to think about - I do have a girl crush on Audrey Taotou.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Random thoughts on crap.....

A couple of things that made me shake my head...

1. Spencer and Heidi Fend Off Swine Flu - as seen in People Magazine (love the masks!)

Wow! I really hope that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are okay on their "pre-honeymoon" in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico .....because that would be a tragedy if something happened to America's sweethearts - forget about the locals.

2. Historian gives President a grade - Incomplete - as seen on

Ya think? Hmmmm, what did we expect the man to do in 100 days? Make blood in to wine? Part the seas? It is a 4 year term - just remember what his predecessor did in 8 years....the bar is set low, I think!

3. The concept of Wife Swap, tv show

Who thought it would be a good idea to go on national tv and switch families? Who honestly thinks that their family is so perfect that they know best, and that they should go and criticize another family's choices? Then everyone is surprised and in tears .....all and all, it makes for great entertainment!!!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Oh the things I learnt on the way to the dentist....

1. Wear underwear and/or tights with a short denim skirt (as approved by my grandmother, no doubt)

As I was climbing the stairs on the doubleDecker bus, I happen to glance up only to be "greeted" by two very white ass first thought was "thong"? After that, I couldn't muster up a second thought .....

2. Always carry a quarter

Just as one tends to clean up a bit for the annual pap smear, I wanted to make sure I didn't offend my dentist with jungle breath. I wandered in to the Market on Yates in search of a gum ball machine as I was pretty sure I had a quarter....alas, I did not. I had 3 dimes and 4 nickels (50 cents for all you mathematicians) but not enough for a gum ball - how crushing

3. Nostalgia will strike in the strangest place

As I could not justify paying for a single pack of gum with debit, I wandered over to the cooler to buy a drink; and there, nestled in with overpriced organic cane sugar pops was a bottle of The Pop Shoppe pop (Black Cherry to boot, my favourite). The red circle with white print is a beacon of my childhood as my grandpa always kept a ready supply in the small fridge in the basement: stubby bottles filled with candy-coloured frizzy drinks we never got a home. My grandpa made sure there was a selection: lemon lime, orange, grape, cola; and we would drink these forbidden treats as we played pool or danced around the room to Bony M's "Rasputin". To me, The Pop Shoppe is a symbol - silly, I know; but I still bought a bottle and enjoyed the fizzy drink as I waited for the dentist. I then carefully put the cap back on and placed the bottle in my bag, so that I could take it to work and be nostaligic whenever the mood strikes.

And this all happened on the way to the dentist.....


Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Name Game

I love the differences in cultures....for example, Jesus is a very popular name in some cultures; however, I never went to school with a Jesus in Port Alberni. I guess that would be a lot to expect your son to live up to. On a different note, Adolf must not be popular anymore.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Random thoughts about short shorts....

When did short shorts come back....paired with tights? Or furry boots? Is that fashion?

At what age is short shorts appropriate? When is it cute versus sexy versus white-hot mess?

It must suck to be twelve year old boy, stuck in this gray area of not a boy/not a man (que Brittany) - especially when you head out to skate board and your friend brings his leggy girlfriend in her short shorts (as seen on a playground this early evening). There were three boys awkwardly looking on as their friend was being taking to the dark side by his taller was very Judy Blume.

Finally, I only saw denim short shorts.....looking for some colour this season.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Why the title?

I used to hate my be Eden is a sea of Cindys, Julies and Michelles sucked. People always called me Erin, Ethel, Edith - anything, it seemed, but the name I was born with. It was as if people could not wrap their brain around I began to say "like the garden" after I introduced myself and it work - people got it, it clicked.....

This is about wrapping your brain around something, getting it, clicking - about everything and nothing, and whatever lies in between. Its not so much about my life, my work, my family - I don't want to go there (and its pretty pedestrian, to be honest); instead, its just about my quirky observations on everyday occurrences.......thats all