Monday, September 21, 2009

Oh the inane questions we ask.....

I was ready to write about the Emmys when my blog topic got hijacked while watching Entertainment Tonight. Yes, ET, that tired tabloid show that once really was the place to tap into on all that is hot and happening. Now? Its the place to be if you want to see what CBS is trying to flog as the hot show of the moment and seeing the scary Mary Hart as she never ages (never).

What changed my direction was when perky Mary asked an actor and his long-term girlfriend of 12 years, "So, are you ever going to get married?" I was impressed by his acting abilities as the guy just smiled and gave some stock answer about feeling more committed than most married couples. Nicely done! Very PC - I probably would have asked her how dead her forehead really felt with all that Botox....

Mary's douchebag move made me realize that society at large loves to ask these questions.

For exampler:

If you're single - So, are you seeing anyone?

If you're dating - So, are you going to move in together and/or get married?

If you're living together - So, do you think you'll get married?

If you've been together too long (usually 2 years) - So, do you think you'll ever get married? (this is clearly asked in a way that you obviously know the answer is no)

If you're married - So, when are you going to have kids?

If you're married and no children are produced after 5 years - So, do you think you'll ever have children? (this is typically asked with great concern as it shows a great defect if healthy heterosexual couples are not rapidly producing)

If you are pregnant - So, will you find out the sex? Breastfeed? Clothe or disposal? The questions go on and on and on.....

If you have one child - So, do you want to have another child? Are you going to have another child? When are you having this other child?

Interesting that we don't ask the burning questions we really want to know.

Such as - if you do not seem to show interest in the opposite sex - So, are you gay?

If you seem unhappy in your marriage- S0, are you going to get a divorce?

If you are quite ill and near death- So, are you going to die? If so, can I have your car?

The last question is really stupid, right? Who would say that? Its so crass. Exactly. Just like the other questions, really. You don't know why certain things haven't happened yet - so does it help to ask? I know we are naturally curious; however, don't be a Mary.....

Friday, September 11, 2009

Something I was thinking about today

Its interesting how some themes in children books tend to be popular - orphans, for example. Harry Potter series, The Secret Garden, The Little Princess, Anne of Green Gables. Perhaps its the underdog theme, or the mystery of having no parents - it tends to be a recipe that works.

Another beloved theme, especially in younger children stories, is the wild child - rambunctious, marching to one's own beat, a bit of a hellion: Max from Where the Wild Things Are, precocious Elosie in her many adventures, Olivia the pig, Ramona, the bratty sister, so well written by Beverly Cleary (one of my favourite), Huck Finn, Skippyjon Jones - the list goes on.

So here's my thought - why do we love this character so much in fiction but not in real life? We love that Max runs around in his wolf costume, creating mayhem and threatening to stab the dog (okay, maybe not that part); however, we constantly ride children to behave, settle down, be quiet, be the same. The noisy energetic child who can't sit still needs to learn to behave, to follow the rules, as it would be easier for everyone. You don't want to get stuck with this kid in your child's class as he can't behave. Ideally, you would want a class of quiet well-behaved children, right?

So, I have a Max. A Skippyjon Jones. I have a son who has his own ideas. He is noisy. He is messy. He is energy personified. And he is all mine. I know that there will be times that I will feel embarrassed when he has done something in public; however, there will be times that he will feel embarrassed when I have done something in public - its a given. I have always love the rambunctious, tenacious character in fiction - and I love this character in real life as well. We need the Maxs, the Olivias, and the Huck Finns -if only to balance out the vanilla pudding and oatmeal folks (who no one tends to write about).

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Women face trial for glued penis tryst

Yup, some low-down cheating husband got busted big time by his wife and THREE of his girlfriends (found on Craiglist) - and the results weren't pretty. Lured to the motel room, the man was tied up, stripped down, and his penis Krazy Glue to his stomach; however, the article does not tell you how said-glued penis was unglued. Not to be too graphic - but was there permanent damage? Did it take off a layer of skin? Was it like a Band-Aid -just be quick and rip it off?

What I really loved is that the alleged victim gave his testimony in an orange jailhouse jumpsuit as he was in custody on unrelated charges of child abuse, theft and harassment. What a gem! What's that saying? Eye for an eye, dick for a dick? The women face a maximum penalty of 6 years for felony false imprisonment.....I think they have learned their lesson, officer; however, has he? One would hope as I hear Lorraine Bobbit is still out there, looking for love....

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

How not to be a douche

Dear Jon

Just some friendly advice from a woman - don't go on national television and announce that you love your 22 year-old girlfriend of 5 minutes more than you ever did your ex wife. Yea, yea - we all know that Kate rode you like a bronco pony; however, you are not winning any points with such declarations. Also keep in mind that your children may have access to this information and how will this effect them? Right now, they are probably still comprehending that mommy and daddy don't live together anymore - do they need to know that daddy despises mommy and he loves Hailey more? I am so pleased that you decided to grow a set - just pace yourself as no one loves a douche bag. It didn't work for Tom Cruise ala post-Nicole Kidman - and he was Maverick.

A non-fan

Monday, September 7, 2009

My weakness.....

I used to be Us Weekly obsessed. I would eagerly wait my fix of celebrity gossip and mind-numbing articles, drinking in the tasty tidbits of information: Guess the Baby Bump! Is Brad Cheating? Lindsay's Crazy Birthday Bash! And then my obsession faded. I think it was when I saw the pictures of Reese Witherspoon trying to shield her children from the paparazzi, and I realized that by buying the magazine I was supporting this behavior - the stalking of celebrities as prey. (I also realized that $5 a week was a bit of an expensive habit when I could feed for free on Perez Hilton and TMZ; however, I thought the ethical piece sounded better)

One habit I have yet to break is the guilty pleasure of buying the latest copy of Us when I go on holidays. So what did I learn this issue?

1. Tattoos are getting passe- smokin' hot girl, great dress, fantastic shoes.....crap-tacular tattoo on top of foot - some sand script piece. Wrecked the entire look.

2. Melanie Trump, Don's much younger wife who is 39 years old (I had to look this up on her own website - now that's scary!) is looking very pinched and pulled-back in the face. WTF? I am I going to have to start looking into get some "work" done soon? Damn it, that 20 year reunion is looming......

3. What makes a celebrity a celebrity? There was a full page on a jilted Bachelor contestant finding true love, after the fact, with some on-again off-again beau. And now they're engaged! the article included some sneak peeks of their registry - including some fugly wall art from Crackle Barrel for $40.

4. A very unflattering picture of Katherine Heigl (left side) that accompanied an article about stars who quit smoking. Seems like the message is more like don't quit.

5. "Octomom lost 115 pounds" - yea, she had 8 babies to start. The weight was also estimated by some random doctor who has never met said Octomom - that's journalism. And Octomom has a rep...of course she does.

6. Jon Gosselin looking like an aged past-prime divorced man hanging pool-side with young bikini-clad girls - it looks like a bad edition of MTV's Spring Break.

7. Poor K-Fed. Very unflattering picture of him at the pool with his kids. I would estimate that K-Fed has gained maybe 60 pounds since his break-up with Brit Brit. Of course, the article includes a very flattering 2006 photo when K was slim, trim and somewhat attractive (not my idea of gorgeous). Its nice to know that men also get the full meal deal treatment when it comes to obvious weight gain - I will now wait for the manorexic article.

8. Aubrey Day (who?) with her poor dyed pooch - okay, that's just wrong. Aubrey wants us all to know that, "its natural and she doesn't mind!" Hmmmmmmmm, that's so sweet that you talk to your dog and she told you! I will not even Google to find out who she I just don't care.

Hmmmmmm, until the next holiday break......

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Enough is enough.....

I just read that the Duggars have pleased as punch to let us all know that they are going to have their 19th baby! What.The.Fuck. I apologize for dropping the "f" bomb, but seriously - how irresponsible. In a time where there is concern about the world population growing beyond the sustainability of the planet, the Duggars are breeding like rabbits on speed.

What annoys me more is that this family is being rewarded for their breeding skills by having a reality show, TLC's 18 and Counting, a name that changes with each pregnancy bulge. What concerns me is that some screwball is going to get it in her head that to achieve fame, financial security, and a fan-base, she should be artificially inseminated and have 8 children on top of her 6....oh wait - that's Octomom, who is currently starring in her own reality show -check your local listings!

I do not doubt that Jim Bob and Michelle love each other very much, and their 18 (soon-to-be 19) children. I do wonder, though, how well they really get to know and enjoy their brood individually? I remember, with embarrassment, watching a special about the Duggars before they landed their regular show; and in the special, Michelle explained how each little Duggar was matched up to an bigger Duggar, who helped care for them. Wait a minute.....because mom and dad don't know when to stop, the older siblings have to be pseudo-parents? Even the Waltons knew when enough was enough at eight- and yes, I know they were a fictional family.

I know that the Duggars love to name their babies with names starting with "J"s; however, they should have gone for a bigger challenge and named the children in the orders of the ABCs as they would be limited to 26. They are now on T.